Happy New Year

It's the last day of 2011. This is my last blog of the year, thus it's only fitting to have an upbeat, positive blog with 'Chutzpa'.

As I reflect on the year that has been, I'd say it was a year of many changes - many good changes.

To name a few:

- I moved to my wonderful home on the farm - I found my DREAM HOME
- I adopted 5 more dogs who now bless my life
- I adopted 4 new chickens
- I adopted a stray cat (who eats three meals a day but love him to bits)
- I got engaged to the most wonderful man of my life
- My business grew and Chris and I have started on a new business venture
- I resigned from my job, although ending date is still pending, but good move none the less
- I found out I was going to be an Aunty, to my sister's child
- I took a big risk in my personal life and 'jumped off a cliff'

With so many good things, I hope I have not forgotten any.

2012 is exciting. I'm getting married in May; I'll see my favourite nephew in April; business will grow and Dec 2012 will bring with it a new era (although others will disagree with me)

I am hopeful.

Blessing all those around the world a Happy New Year and may 2012 bring you all that you deserve - and not forgetting the cherry on the top.

Sensitive

I am sensitive.

I've always been sensitive. Maybe it's from growing up with self (inflicted) issues; or the fact that I have low self esteem, or maybe it's middle-child syndrome. I don't know what the cause is - I am just sensitive. I take things to heart, I always assume the worst of what is said; I think what is said about me is always bad.

I continue to justify my life, my actions, my decisions. I even justify for Chris. It's as if (I feel) I have to get approval. That.. through a long story, I'll finally gain acceptance. As if, through excessive explanations you'll finally see my point of view - you'll realise my intention and agree with me.

Now this is purely my own thoughts - this is not a reflection on anyone else. People say to me that it's all in my head and that I take things too personally. So this is just how I feel.

I wish people would take me for who I am. Sometimes when the pain gets too much I sometimes wish I wasn't me. I wish my life wasn't hard. That people would look at me, and my life, and be proud. That they would accept it once off, with no long story given. I wish indirect comments weren't made. I wish that people would see the pure intentions behind my actions, behind my life. Although sensitive, I am strong. I can take a few 'beatings' before I eventually crack. But why do I need to crack? Why can't I just live my life without care. Without care of being scorned, remarked and lowered. But the thing is, I care for others, I want others to be in my life, I want them to be happy for me and support me. Not caring and giving a damn would mean, in my life, that I'd have closed doors and people wouldn't know what was going on. I'd be alone. I'd be alone and desensitized.

Lately I've had a lot of indirect comments, about many aspects of my life.

Dogs

I have 7 dogs. Although saving dogs from the shelter is a good thing - I have saved them and given them a good home - this is not how it is viewed. Indirect comments like: "They will hold your life back. They're expensive. Seven dogs is a bit much. Vet bills. Dog food costs."

Baby

I'd like to have a baby and quite soon. Yet there is some support, the support is a double edge sword. "Yes, that's great but remember a baby is hard, and it's very expensive." Do you not think that having 4 jobs as I do; having 4 chickens and 7 dogs is not hard work? As one of the most ambitious and hard working people I know, do you not think I think about finance constantly? It's as if people think I'm this naive, dependent person. Do you really know me?

Finance

Some people land with their asses in the butter; some people end up with rich partners and some people don't. I am tired of justifying the fact that I earn more than Chris. "You overwork yourself to compensate for Chris," is one of the many comments I get about finance. Do you not think that if I was alone that I'd work just as hard, and strive the same to get the same finances?

Sister

My sister is pregnant and engaged. She's engaged to a wonderful man who luckily earns a lot so they are very comfortable. He bought her the most beautiful ring, and am sure it came with a large price tag. The thing, Chris made me a wooden engagement ring. Chris doesn't earn much. There's a huge difference between us. Maybe it's me, but I feel the bar has been set extremely high by my sister and her soon-to-be-hubi, and Chris and I are far from them. Yes, we're so different that one cannot even compare, and maybe it's only me to think this but I feel everyone views them very highly and looks down on Chris and I. I often ask myself if people will be as happy for Chris and I when we fall pregnant? Or will I get those indirect comments? I think I definately have middle-child syndrome, because even sitting in her presence belittles me. This is in my head.

I know who I am and I know my good qualities. I am a carer, someone who would do anything for anyone, some one who works 7 days a week and still has time to work some more, but these indirect comments erase all of these. I think more about the bad comments then the great things I actually am. I need to stop doing this to myself - I am killing myself doing this. I am the fire and people continue to throw hot embers into the flames.

I don't know what I am writing. I am rambling on. I just get tired of everyone arching their eyebrows at me, or saying comments about this or that or to somehow compare me or diminish me in some way. I don't think they know it's intentional and I don't they are trying to hurt me, but hey - the knife still shows blood on it. It's easy for me to bleed, when I wear my heart on my sleeve. It's there for you all to see. And if you can see it, why don't you touch with caution? I should write 'fragile' on my back.

Maybe I should rip out my heart so I don't feel the disdain of your words or bare your comments on my shoulders so that at 25 I now walk like a hunchback? Chris says I should just focus on 'us' and not worry about others view and to not be sensitive. But, I need my family and friend's support, I need them to be with me as I travel in my life; I need their constructive advice.

I think at the end of it all, I must stop viewing myself through others eyes. Or believing that everyone is against me.

Our farm is growing!

Meet Salt, Pepper, Betsie and Herbert. The four new additions to our farm. We have three hens and one rooster. They are Indian gamer and Road Island Red chickens.

What a great buy! I've been wanting these furry friends for some time now, and they're finally here. Gone are those machine made eggs from groceries stores - that look opaque when scrambled. I'm a'gonna have me some yellow, fresh and FREE eggs soon.

At least these birds are an investment - and will save us some money on buying eggs, as well as selling them. With 3 eggs a day from the hens - there's lots to go around.

I always said I'd live on a farm, and bit by bit my farm is becoming more and more complete. Over-joyed I'd say. Next to follow is a black pot-bellied pig - he'll be the black sheep of the farm family. And then maybe a cow and a horse. We have sheep already so no need for them. Besides, I don't eat lamb... puke.

At least if 2012 hits, we'll be self-sustainable. And if desperation calls for it, we can eat the birds or allow them to have chicks and eat those - but hey, befriending Salt, Pepper, Betsie and Herbert means we can't eat them. It'll be like eating a dog. No thanks - eggs is all we need.

Welcome to the family my clucking friends.

Humble relaxation

So I sat waiting for my sister from Cape Town to meet me. There in the middle of Nelson Mandela Square at Sandton City - the pretentious and snob capital of JHB - I parked myself on the steps in front of all the restaurants and rich people eating their gourmet meals. Where I was sitting... it's like being on display. A place for all the people who are on their smoke breaks to sit, or for those who were waiting for someone, or (like me) those who have no money to shop or dine at a restaurant.

I thought - what a better time to read my book. So out came my book. Whilst reading, it was like I was in my own world. Oblivious to those walking back and forward, rushing here and there. It was as if a sense of calmness came over me. I was relaxed, really relaxed.

I felt like I was from a scene in a book:

There she sat, perched on the step with the sun rays warming her skin. Quietly she sat, turning the pages of her book. Her friends, the hungry pigeons came to greet her.



It's amazing in life how we are so busy that we don't stop to just sit and watch. Observe. Well after reading, I just stared and observed the people around me. Their busyness made me feel more relaxed. Then two people sat next to meet and started to chat. It was like another scene from a book:

"Two friendly people approached the lady, who was indulged in her book. Out of no where, the three people converged into a light-hearted and refreshing conversation."

So there I was... relaxed.

I was also humbled. I watched the people in the restaurants eating. I am broke today. I didn't even have money for a drink or some food. (Don't worry, income is coming in soon - although that's not the point) I felt like a beggar - wanting to eat but have no money. Wanted to maybe shop but have no money. It's like I am almost in their shoes. I have empathy for them. I am humbled.

So from now on... I am going to take more time to just sit and read, or observe, or greet the pigeons.

Charging on wheels

We as humans are a 'consumer' race. All we do is buy. Weekends come, and we shop. Like ants to a candy bar. We've become materialistic. Well, I'm not one of those ants. If I wear 5 year old clothes, hey - I'm cool with that. Staring at window displays and walking around shopping centres where people are so squashed they intrude on your personal space... so close that you can smell their armpits or get swashed with their forehead sweat. Yes, that's not for me. I'd rather be another 'bug'.
(Yes you stupid ants - I judge you!)

As I'm not a shopper, it's not every day I find a great buy.

But the other day I found it. I bought a car charger from a man on the side of the street. Best buy ever people - especially when you use your phone as much as I do. Mine should be permanently glued to my right ear. (hey - it could actually be used as an earring!)

For R50 bucks, I get a fully charged phone and also the sweet release of no stress. I've had so many times where my batt has gone flat. Chris, my hubi-to-be, always says I never charge my phone. But hey, I love the thrill of going to work with 10% battery and seeing how long it lasts. It's an adrenalin rush for the poor.

Advert for poor Adrenalin junkie-wannabies:

"Got no money. Can't afford sky diving or bungi jumping... leave your phone uncharged. There's nothing like watching the battery bars go down - it's totally stimulating."

Now I never have to worry about my battery dying if I break down, or have an accident or need to phone a client or friend. Yes, best R50 bucks I have spent in a long time. And what's even better is that it works. With my smoking and having my car for 6 years - the cigarette lighter was over used and stopped working. But when plugging in my charger, it miraculously worked. Was bummed when it stopped working and had to find an alternative for lighting my smokes (matches - the poor man's option) but my love the lighter socket has now been revived with the use of my charger. And hey - it's not like the charger is going to affect my lungs.

Yes, after much waiting, I am now charging on wheels.

Fucker Fred

I'm sitting in Kauai - the whole Vitamin-C healthy food place where the fit and fab people go(I shouldn't be here - I look like a porcupine amongst pigs.)

Fuck you Fucker Fred and your whole grain, no calorie bread and wanna-be-slim no sugar smoothies (addictive as they may be)

Trying to write on this laptop, with this broken ass charger that's burning my leg as it over heats. This 2-point plug is broken and every time I put it in to the plug, sparks fly. Race to Pick n Pay. Buy another one. Doesn't work. Fuck you Fucker Fred and your non-working piece of shit plug.

FUCK. It's just blown! Can my day get any worse!!!

Can I write this blog in under 10 minutes before my laptop switches off? Fuck you Fucker Fred and your dinosaur of a laptop that can't even work for 10 minutes without being charged.

Driving home last night. Rock - tyre - blown. Cost me R1300.00 to replace two tyres but I can't ride around with a biscuit of a tyre. Fuck you Fucker Fred and your over-charged tyre company.

Get an email from work. Fuck you fucker Fred - need I say more?

I'm having a bad fucking day. Clearly.