I know

Although there are third world countries with starving children and epidemics popping up everywhere, I still have my problems. And although they may seem insignificant when comparing the two.... everyone's problems are big to themselves. So before you read this post and think I'm a self-centred asshole, and my problems are small.... just remember that we all have problems (and you have to help yourself first before helping others.)

This post titled I know, revolves around the concept of money and what I know. No, I am not your accountant nor do I know how to budget (as how can you budget with no money esp when you can count your pennies on one hand.) This is for my fellow struggling generation who can find some humour in the frustration of not having money.

I know

I know how it feels when you have to look at the menu at a restaurant and claim you're on a diet when you order the cheapest salad on the menu.
I know how it feels when you feel cheap for asking friends to buy you drinks and fear that they will never invite the group 'hobo' to the next event.
I know how it feels when Two Minute Maggie noodles becomes your staple diet and your body starts rotting away from lack of Vit C.
I know how it feels when you run out of juice and opt to squeeze oranges into your glass of window and bullshit yourself that its Fanta.
I know how it feels when you're driving on fumes and talk to your car in the hope that it will go further.
I know how it feels when you have R10 left on your bank card and drip sweat when you try and buy eggs, hoping that the word DECLINE doesn't come up on the card machine.
I know how it feels when you go to the shops looking for the cheapest ingredients, even if it means you buy cardboard cheese puffs instead of Parmesan.
I know how it feels when you have to pick up 'stompies' in the wet garden when you have no smokes to puff on.
I know how it feels when you have R200 and have to buy dog food, human food, smokes and petrol. An impossible feat.
I know how it feels when you have to ask for money and feel your integrity and pride wash away like beach sand.
I know how it feels when your ears are raped from regular calls from debt collectors and you develop an aversion to your mobile phone.
I know how it feels when you look at your bank balance and your heart sinks with the R0.00 appear on the screen.
I know how it feels when you wear broken shoes for ages but keep reminding yourself that it broke today.
I know how it feels when someone asks you how much it is to fill your petrol tank and you respond with "I don't know, it's been a while."

But being aware of all the above has its pro's.

I know that I am proud when I get money in, when I pay a bill or buy something... knowing that I did it, me, myself and I. I'm greatful and surprized when additional money comes in. I feel that extra bit of magic and happiness when I have money to spend on something I want to spend it on. I value money more and when I become rich, or better off even, I'll appreciate it. Then the above will change to the below:

I know how it feels when I have enough money to be able to help others out and loan them money in their time of need.
I know how it feels when my debts are paid off and I no longer receive calls from those collectors.
I know how it feels when I have extra savings in my account in case something happens.
I know how it feels when I can spend money on special things that feed the soul and brighten the smile.
I know how it feels when I can buy stuff that will enhance my house, my future, my car.
I know how it feels to have the sense of pride and honour back. To no longer have to ask others for help.

To others like me who are struggling financially, we'll get there. We will.

Young dogs, new tricks

I've always worked hard. I've always believed subconsciously that I needed to work days, nights and weekends. I've done it for almost 10 years now, since the age of 18. On the verge of turning 28, this habit, now ingrained in my brain, is creating an internal stir.

In a nutshell, for the past two years specifically, I've freelanced, hopped like a rabbit from job to job, and had about five jobs at one time. With all my eggs in different baskets, I had different income streams. No, this did not mean that I was loaded and shitting money. I just had a backup plan. Although money has always been an issue, I always had comfort knowing that my next freelance job, face painting job or writing article was around the corner. That somehow, through the grace of God, I would get through the month.
However, the past two months have pushed me to go back full time. My car broke down and had to be fixed, my husband was a house husband and we were basically living off what I could bring in. In severe debt and getting tired of bread crusts and water, an opportunity came up for both of us to go back full time. It was through these past two months that I realised that living the hippie/bohemium life is not appropriate in a time where bread costs a fortune and petrol prices are making us broke. I had always strived to go against the grain, to work for myself and to make it work. But I was knocked badly with the reality stick and had to swollow some truth pills.
Now back full time and loving my job, and freelance jobs and face painting becomes something of the past, I'm feeling this restlessness. It's weird for me to have my nights and weekends free, to be able to enjoy myself and spend time with the things that matter instead of racing around on the weekend in a clown suit and looking like a complete fool. Spending nights watching TV is like sitting like the energiser bunny on full load, restless and annoying. I'm used to working nights, making my laptop my best friend instead of my family. I'm used to not looking forward to the weekend. And now, having one job, is a completely new change in my life. I am young, so I can learn new tricks. It's just an adjustment. My heart is loving this new way of life, yet my brain and my past issues, are internally screaming at me saying "you should be working like a dog! You should be compensating for your low self esteem!"

Besides the restlessness I can't seem to come to grips with the fact that I only basically have one salary coming in now. How can people be worry-free and last the whole month with only their salary, and no opportunity to bring in money for the rest of the month? Like cheese, this is foreign to me. But maybe it just requires a little common sense and budgeting. There's also that fear of being fired, which I never had as I always had something to fall back on. But maybe it's a good thing to worry, to put your all into a job that you love. To have one focus instead of being a jack of all trades. To care about something so much that it drives you to be better. After all, with my husband also bringing in a salary and my monthly expenses being reduced quiet considerably, I can survive with my income and live comfortably (I think.)

At the end of the day, this is the change my heart wanted and now that I am living the 'normal' life, maybe I can pat myself on the back and say well done for making responsible changes and choices.