Tips on renewing your drivers licence in SA

Unlike this picture which showcases a woman smiling after getting her licence renewed.... most South Africans walk out of the licensing department hot, sweaty, irritable and with a very long face. That was me today after I renewed mine. A chore that we all wait for the last minute to do, with sheer dread splashed across our worried faces.

In South Africa, our systems are backwards and you generally have to book an entire day off to renew your driving licence, depending on if you have the right department and documents with you - which no one gives a damn about telling you which ones. If you don't, well that's a whole other story in itself.

In South Africa you can expect hot stuffy rooms filled with bad fuck'en B.O, long-ass queues and only one teller or eye tester working when there are a plethora of stalls available. Don't forget the machines are all broken, people are unfriendly and do not help and every person working there looks like they wish to be somewhere else.

But we all have to venture into this adventure, so here are some tips I picked up on my journey to the dark side of the world.

Although there may be signs to not eat or drink, screw that! If I'm forced to sit in a hot room and lose water through copious amounts of sweat, then I will drink my water and enjoy it too. Hiding a bag of food or crisps in your handbag is also another handy way to avoid starvation. With all the long hours sat there, I am surprised we don't walk out the license department looking like the mummy. I cleverly hid my bag of Doritos in my bag, opened it slowly and allowed the chip-like aromas to fill the room - and wait for the people sitting next to me to peer jealously at me. Oh yes baby. It's time to chew. Remember to chew slowly as to make out that you're only chewing gum. Gum is not a food group and therefore does not qualify.

Take anti-bacterial wipes with you when doing an eye test, so as to wipe the lenses and forehead area of the machine. I swear I've acquired pink eye. My eyes are feeling a lil' bit on the itchy side. Where are the eye drops? Who knows how many stink eyes have seen those lenses, let alone how many sweaty, zitty-fied foreheads have touched that piece above the lenses. Thinking about it gives me nightmares. Hold on... going to wash my face now with the strongest anti-bacterial stuff I can find. Hold on...

...Much better.

Do as the Chinese do and wear a face mask. I think I'm getting the flu now, sneezing and sniffing. Should have worn a damn face mask to protect me from germs. I mean... in these rooms, people basically sit on you. "Hi... here is my lap, please make yourself comfy." And with close spaces like these, it's pretty much guaranteed you'll walk out with something new (and I'm not talking about your drivers licence!) These masks will also help with the smell that lingers in the air, especially when you get a waft of someone's underarm when they fan themselves with their documents. MMM..... Doritos and arm stink... a delicious combo!

But all in all, I managed to survive and renew my licence. Thank goodness it's over... I'd much rather pick up dog shit in a heatwave then suffer through that again. At least you only have to do it once every five years ... and by that time... let's hope SA will be in the technological game then and you can do it online!