The honest truth

I decided that before this pain in my heart became too over whelming or the tears burst out of my eyes, I'd write. I'm not writing for anyone, I'm doing this for me. But maybe through my sadness, some one else going through a hard time will feel that they are not alone. Normally I wouldn't share my life to everyone, nor make it known that I am in a place that isn't good, but maybe - just maybe - through revealing my inner soul I'd unwrap all the denial and bullshit that layers my body and my mind. Maybe I'd then see my truth and really start to heal it.

The honest truth, Stacey is not doing well. It's raining outside... it fits my mood. For the past few days I've been walking around my house feeling like a hermit, suffering from 'cabin fever', feeling that the only sort of purpose I have right now is to wash the dishes or make dinner. The only achievement I had for today is that I did one unimportant house hold chore. I used to be busy, I used to be successful. Having quit my job (although the miserable company failed anyway and I am still waiting for my salary from six months ago - thus I didn't really have a choice) I have been self employed since September. Or is that just a 'disguise' or mental optimism that I am trying to bullshit my brain to believe. In fact, I was self employed in the beginning (when jobs were coming in) and now I am just unemployed. Let's just call a spade a spade. Business is quite in the months of Dec, Jan and Feb and jobs are coming in as slow as when you have a bladder infection and drops of piss slowly release. Now I'm waiting. I check my emails everyday, and try do what I can - but I have lost hope and have reduced myself to napping during the day (well, the last 2 days). The thing is, I tried. I think I am the most ambitious, hard working person I know and since I resigned I have tried everything. I have made new partnerships, joined into new opportunities and yet still find myself workless and struggling. I have always wanted to be an entrepreneur and the universe finally gave it to me. But it's for the strong and right now I am as weak as anything... The tears have started... It's lonely and it's testing. With my bank balance as dry as the desert, I have no option but to go full time again. And yes, I have been applying. Applying like mad... but yet find myself waiting... waiting... waiting. I have no regrets, at least I tried. At least I took the challenging road, when everyone else follows like ants. But being a follower brings in stability and that's what I am seeking the most.

Not only do I seek stability, but I seek passion. I keep asking myself "what do you want to do with your life?", "what makes you happy?", "what brings you fulfillment and purpose?" I don't know. And it literally kills me. (... more tears) I have been going through this healing journey, trying to figure out my truth, trying to resolve hidden issues and trying to recitfy the wrong. But trying to heal is hard. Trying to find a mental silence is hard. I have tried my best to go on and conquer this journey. My house is covered in affirmations, which I subconsciously say but honestly don't feel or believe. I have gone for walks through the farm trying to find some answers. I have googled, and googled. I have tried different meditation. Yet I am still in this place of darkness. So, Stacey is not right in the mental area of her life.

So apart from being broke and mentally unhealed, my body is also going through illness. In short - and I don't want to go into entail - the gynecologist said that I have abnormal cells in my cervix and although it seems to be okay, I'll need to go in for regular check ups. A shock to my system, I tried to heal my brain and think positive, but last night was a reminder that it affects me. I feel tainted, I'm scared of dying and will never feel the same again.

I am just in a very bad place at the moment. I think I've hit my lowest of the low and instead of bullshitting myself again by saying "there's only up from here", I am going allow myself to enjoy a hot bath, a mental soak and good long cry.