Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The Carrot!



In the old days, donkeys (used as the load carriers) were made to walk faster by using a carrot hung in front of their faces.

We, as humans, can also be viewed as an ass. We have these wonderful temptations hung in our face, but funnily enough we never seem to obtain them.

In jobs, in school, in relationships, in friendship there is always that bloody carrot. I am currently experiencing the 'carrot' now in work, where I've asked for something and am still waiting for confirmation.

Why is it that bosses always hold up carrots?

Why is it that future employers hold up carrots? If you take the job - you'll get this and that and this and that - but in actual fact, when you sign the contract, you get zippo, nada, jack shit.

I am waiting to eat my carrot now. I have been waiting the whole week. If the carrot continues to hang in my face and is not eaten', then it will be a sign. I'll take it as a sign to "stick that carrot up where the sun doesn't shine."

I'm traveling overseas to Bangkok

No I am not.

But oh how I would love to be able to write a blog that states either:

- I'm moving house
- I'm traveling to Mauritius
- I'm going camel riding in Tanzania
- I've left my job & going solo

But no. No such Luck. Shit.

After speaking with my brother, and hearing about his fun life and how he's going to Tanzania for a 1-month long party fest, I started to think about my life. My boring life that is.

Also, on http://musypeasontoast.blogspot.com, peas talks about how she's moving to UK soon.

I feel like I don't have any exciting news to write about.

I need to let go and see where the wind takes me. I need to take a risk.

I wish I could travel somewhere, or move house or enjoy a thrilling adventure experience.

I live such a granny life.

Why do some people have a fun-filled, adrenaline pumping life style and here I am obsessing about work, the future and PLANNING my 'fun'.

I need to take a risk.

I am going to - you just watch. And soon I'll be the one saying "I jumped off the highest bridge in the world" or I drank horses urine...haha - well not to that extend.

Thank you to the people who inspire to actually l.i.v.e my life.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

A fuck'en bad day

I'm irritated. I'm beyond the salvation of calmness.

You know when someone is about to burst and their face becomes bright red with anger... it's almost like you can see fumes from their head. Yup, that's me.

I've had a fuck'en bad day.

I am a structured, organised, OC person who needs things done in a particular way. In business, things need to be flowing in a particular process. Being streamlined means being successful.

I came from a job that was structured. A little too structured for my liking. Now I've moved to a job where structure does not exist.

I thought this would be a good move.

I thought this would help make me calmer, more relaxed and less structured. It's like I have changed from complete polar opposites.

Where's the balance? I need balance. I need a job that doesn't treat you like a pupil in school, nor one that doesn't give two shits.

Maybe there's some universal lessons here.

Maybe I have no seen both sides to structure. No structure & too much structure. Now I know what to look for.

Today has been a hard day.

Not only have a changed positions to take on a further 10 positions all in one - and no, I am not exaggerating, but the person who I have taken over from, has left me in the dark and standing in knee-high shit. So, on top of trying to update everything, I also have to deal with the current workload.

I am egotistical when it comes to work. I know I am damn good and can handle more than the average worker. But still!

It's not the workload that is bothering me so much, it's the way things are done - put simply, the structure. As I said early, I am structured and like to work in a structured environment but it's like I am trying to push a wall here. No one is helping or trying to help the progress - I mean, come on people!

I feel like there is no point in trying. It's like I'm trying to make a bent stick straight -impossible.

I'm at my wits end.

Ad you just wait.... I've been holding back my tongue but once the bitch comes out - fuck'en run!!!

There's these arogant people, that are younger than I am trying to act as if they are better than I am. It's called R.E.S.P.E.C.T people! Don't act like you know more than I do fuck face - coz I am far knowledgeable than you. And don't for one second make snappy or sarcastic comments when I am trying to make send of the dump you have left me in and trying to sort out problems that you, without a doubt, caused by you.

I need to go home.

I'm about to crack.

Just breathe..

I'm going home. I need to be in my own home.

Maybe I need a hot bath?

Tomorrow is another day.

Friday, June 25, 2010

My fav's

A girls gotta have her favourite things - and so do I...



Simply put - one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. Tequila, my club friend... you have been with me, or should I say coming out of me, for many a times - after a long party. Although you taste like shit, especially when you come flying out of mouth a rapid speed, you still are my favourite alcoholic shot. Although I have aged and cannot handle you much anymore, there's no doubt that when I was younger - I was the tequila queen. I could drink anyone under the table with these. Yup, we can certainly reminisce about our friendship over the years.



"Do you wanna go for a top deck" was code name for "do you wanna go for a smoke?", back in the day when no one knew that was smoking. Not only used for this purpose, this chocolate is my fav when it comes to piggying out. I can't just have one piece, I have to demolish the entire bar. Yup, this chocolate ranks No.1 on my list of sweet things.



Not only is Nivea cream a fav on my list, but it's a MUST HAVE! I suffer from OCD when it comes to dry hands. Once a day, keeps the dry hands at bay, or away! I have used this product since a was a younging - it's done me well all these years. I'm not one of those feminine chicks who use a multitude of products. Normal soap and Nivea cream is all its takes - and yes, I would be the first one to say I have perfect skin - but a thank you is due to this outstanding product! Props to Nivea!



Yes, guilty as charged.... I am a full blooded smoker. Not one to advocate smoking as a great thing to do - but there's no beating a smoke after a long day, with a glass of coke or having a smoke when you stressed or having a smoke when you are craving so bad! Sorry, mamacow ( a nickname I call my step-mom), and the rest of my parents, I know you hate this dirty habit...




My ultimate favourite of all time is the Blue Lagoon. Some may say it's a porn flick, which is utter crap, but I think it's about taking innocence back to basics. Made in the 19-footsak, this movie explores the growing up of two children - as they discover hair growing on their legs, hitting purberty and having babies. Not forgetting when Brooke Shields gets her period and Christopher Atkinson says "you're bleeding"... Watching this movie reminds me of how nature is... a life without man-made things... a life where children can grow up in a positive way.
There are other positives to this movie, like the skimpy cloth that Christopher wears, revealing just enough to make the heart thump. He reminds me of my boyfriend. Funnily enough, my boyfriends name is Christopher and his hair is identical to Christopher in the movie. That fluffy mass of hair... yes gotta love the hair!






Then we have the brilliant ... the fantastic (hold - long pause...) SEX & THE CITY! No, I'm not just talking about the movies - I am talking about the series too. Give me any title of any episode and I'll be able to tell you the plot. Yes, I am a sex, I mean - sex and the city - fanatic. I can't stand those irritating people who go to the movies and rave it about it, even though they haven't even seen the episodes. DUH - the movie is a follow on...dimwits! Don't be acting like you are the No.1 fan when you weren't even there from the beginning!

I watch Sex and the City - it's an escape for me.

I always imagine that I would be exactly like Carrie, a sex columnist living the trendy New York, living the fab life! ohhhh...one day!

Miranda is my fac - her humour is a dry as a horse's ass, but boy is she funny! No one can forget Samantha though - and her, cheek-reddening sex-capades.

Yup, the five of us go way back!

Monday, June 21, 2010

Psychic Intervention



I went to the psychic yesterday.

I was looking for clarification.

I was so excited, yet my excitement was short lived. Upon arriving, I was expecting to walk into a room where the lights and candles, soft music and essence would create a spiritual energy. This fall very short.

The lady was very sweet but did not present the image I had in my head. Most spiritual guru's are weird dressers, with long finger nails that are painted brightly, not forgetting the little glitter stars neatly pushed onto the nails. This is a generalisation of course. The lady wore a black suit, as if she had come home from work.

I sat down on the leather couch at the entrance to the front door - not really a room I'd say. She then said she would begin.... Meanwhile in my head I was thinking "Is this it? Are we doing it here?"

I have always believed that a GOOD psychic should be able to say names, say something detailed that connects you to the deceased person or situation, but I wasn't getting any of that this evening. Also, I believe that a GOOD psychic does not allow you to speak, only after the consultation. You see, if I speak and give clues, the psychic will read off that and tell me things based on what I've said. Lastly, a GOOD psychic will not say generalisations or things that can be applied to basically everyone, for example: you have issues in your relationship or your grandparent has passed (at my age, it is common to have grandparents who have passed)

She only brought up one name. She couldn't tell me any specifics so that I could know who was coming through. Almost vague in a sense.
She did not bring up the most prominent things in a my life at this present moment in time - and I have a lot of those that have burdened my life. Surely a good psychic would be able to pick up major incidences?

I am not trashing this person. Please don't get me wrong. That is not my intention.

I am only trying to say that I was disappointed in the whole experience... I got home so confused. I had wanted clarification but came out more confused, conpuzzled basically.

Some things I thought were true, others were way out there in lala-land.
Some things were vague and generalisations.

There are some things that give your low confidence away. I mean, she even asked me how the session was afterwards. Yes, I understand its good to know if your client is happy, but it was done in a way that she was trying to see if she was a good psychic or not. Also, although I had booked for an hour, she was very weary of the time. A good psychic would carry on, even if it was more than 1 hour, as the good psychic would want to help the person.

I think, in order to sooth my confused brain, I'll take it with a pinch of salt. They say you should always take from the session what is relevant in your life. I'll believe one or two things, and totally discard the other crap. I just don't know why I am so flippin' confused...

I am confused about being confused....

Things that were true in the reading:

- Phillip, my mom's father's friend
- People's characteristics - Chris & mine (but that can be assumed or guessed)
- Minor things (but not enough to scream to the rooftops)

Things that were false/wrong:

- No specifics
- Chris & I breaking up
- No names
- Vague descriptions of people (this... man had grey hair.... WTF?)
- No information on major incidences in my life
- My mom's health


I think psychic, an experienced one at that, will tell you about your past, present and people who have passed away. I don't think a detailed synopsis of your future is believable.

All in all, I think she has some psychic tendencies but she is still a beginner, an amateur really.

I'm going to book another session with another lady who is apparently brilliant! Hopefully that will bring me the clarification I need and not whoo whoo stuff that is sucked out of thin air......

PS: Maybe there should be a rulebook for psychics?

I want to be free

5 June 2006

Today I thought about my life and the path I am on, leading to my future. The way I feel now and the perception I have of this path, brings tears to my eyes. The question I repeatedly ask myself is “Am I happy? Is this the right path for me?” I know the answer and it kills me inside to think it…

When I was a little girl I used to watch the movie awards and dream that someday I would be there on the stage accepting an award. My passion for acting grew even more when I would perform in school plays and win awards. As I grew older, I started to enjoy cooking, as food was always my favourite thing and I started to think about being a chef, because I thought it was an expressive art. As I matured I also began to become very interested in spiritual aspects of healing such as aromatherapy, reiki, massages and meditations. These were the things I loved, my heart was in them… they were my passions.

So here I am on the opposite side of what I wanted to do, studying a Bacholer of Arts in Journalism. I did and still do love to write and thought that I may as well do something related to writing. My choice to study this was not a certain one, it was one I thought was best at the time but I would say that it was a choice I had to make at the time, for the time.

I look back on my passions and it hurts so much that I am not doing something that I love but many things contributed to this choice. Reality was one of the biggest considerations to think about. Why is it that life and reality stop us from doing something that we love and want to do? In every profession there are positives and negatives. In the case of acting, it is a hard industry to crack and if you don’t break it, then you don’t make it. If you don’t make it then you don’t have a salary. That’s the trouble with reality and your passions. In reality you need to have a job in order to get a salary and thus have money in order to live, but what if you have a passion or a want to have a job that does not guarantee a salary? Do you have to choose between doing something that you love but having no money or doing something that is average and not your passion but having money? That’s the problem with reality and people these days… we are driven too much by materialistic things and money that we in fact forget our true selves and our passions. We prioritize money instead of ourselves. But in reality, how can this not affect us? It is known that about 90% of people don’t enjoy what they do. They wake up every morning but don’t actually want to get up. I do not want to be one of those people.

So here I am studying something that is not my passion, but hopefully will get me a salary. The pain I am feeling now is the pain of my neglected true self. So in order to answer to my above question, No I am not happy and I don’t feel that I am on the right path. It is as if I have a massive block in front of me, making me stop and think about my life. There are two paths in front of me. One leading to the university and the other leading to my passions.

The problems lies in that my parents are paying for my university and I know that they want the best for me and will do whatever it takes for me to be in university and get a degree. Understandable of course, and I love them for that. But I feel that I am a plant with a brick on top of me. I feel like I can’t grow, as if my growth is being hampered and weighed down by this brick. The brick has such weight and capability to hold me down But what happens to a plant that is hampered and covered for too long? It dies. That’s how I feel, like I am dieing… my heart is dieing. I just want the weight lifted off me. I just want to be free and to be able to do what I want to do, study where I want to study and study exactly what I want to study. I want to be free to work when and where I want to or start a business like I have wanted to for so long. I feel restricted, chained down to the ground and no way to escape.

I find it scary though, even when I write this, because when I say that I don’t want my parents to pay for university (I want to pay for my own course) in order for me to be free, it’s like cutting off my legs and not being able to run. Parents help you to get a step up in life, or get a degree so you can one day find a job, so by saying this, it is as if I am on my own with no money and no degree. A daunting thought! Maybe I don’t want this. In actual fact, I want to change what I am studying and hope that my parents will support me and help with the finances. I mean, people these days always change there minds or don’t enjoy what they are doing. So why is it that we only have one main choice and then that’s it? Yes I agree that that you can study something you love after getting a basic degree, but isn’t that then a waste of time studying you first degree???

2010 comment - *I stuck through my course. I had spoken to one of my parents who convinced me to stick through the course. Before my very last exam, I phoned him and said “Thank you for pushing me through this.” I have now have a degree and will never look back. As a journalist, I do love to write – but I also leave time for doing other things. I am currently studying a course in Reiki, and have my own business. Life is too short to have just one job… so get a salary but continue to pursue your passions and hobbies. Just because you don’t have a degree in entrepreneurship, it doesn’t mean you can’t start up a business. Let your secondary passions become your hobbies or a second, part time job.

PS: Thank you Rosie.

Body Piercings - Tattoo's or not?

In the bible, God talks about your body and that it is temple, that you should not do anything to harm it, you must keep it sacred for he made it. I agree with that statement, although my actions may not speak the same. But if I start to think about what He said, and by doing this I am not questioning the word of God, I ask myself… where does harming your “temple” start, to what extent is He implying? I mean, people dye their hair- that harms the condition of their hair and changes their natural “God-given” hair colour. People have plastic surgery done to enhance this or restructure that, thus changing their “God-given” face or body.
People take drugs and smoke cigarettes, thus certainly harming their inner body (organs etc.) People take pills and dietary tablets, of which ‘supposedly’ negatively affects your body systems and thus is harmful to your “temple”. But some harmful things are necessary, for instance, old people need to dye their grey hair and people with facial or body abnormalities need reconstructive surgery to fix their abnormalities. That brings me to my point.

When God talks about not doing harmful things to your body, is he referring to either, necessary things like reconstructive surgery for abnormalities or unnecessary things like surgery (breast implants), body piercing and tattoos of which we do not need to survive but mainly do it for pleasure or other reasons.

When I was in grade 8, I started to become aware of body piercing’s due to the mere fact that everyone started to get them. Belly button piercing’s/rings and earings on their upper ear. I was always interested in piercings, as they looked so cool on my friends, but couldn’t get any because my father didn’t approve. I mean, I wasn’t allowed ear rings (so small as that) until I was 15 years old. And, when you have restrictions, especially from your parents, you always want to overstep the boundaries.

So secretly, I decided to go and get a belly button piercing without the consent of my family. I mean, with my chubby stomach, I would never wear short tops as to expose my stomach, so it was perfect, no one ever knew. You see, I never got a belly ring so that I could show or tell anyone but I did it for my self, the thrill was so self-satisfying. Just to know I had one, was cool enough. And yes, to be quiet honest, I did kind of want one because my friends had them, but that was definitely not the only reason. I hid it quite well actually, no one noticed, no one even suspected.

Well, until…I was almost in grade 11, I think. My baby sister saw it one day and then everyone started to know after that. But surprisingly, my father (who hated rings) actually took it quite well, none of my parents were mad, I was actually quite relieved as I thought I may be grounded for the rest of my life. I never thought anything was wrong with a belly ring, I didn’t think it opposed God’s words of your body being a temple. I mean rings are temporary, you can take them out and I don’t think they cause to much harm, unless they get infected, but hey, mine never did. So I still kept it until matric, why take it out if it doesn’t harm your body? And if you are wondering, I don’t have any other piercings on my body, besides my ears, but I hardly every wear ear rings so my ear holes close up most of the time.
I have always liked tattoo’s, not the monstrous, scary one’s that cover your whole arm but the small tattoo’s, the cute, “harmless” ones.

My father and stepfather hated them, they found no point in putting ink in your skin and decorating your body as if it were a painting. My father always said that once they were on, it was a life time thing, you have to live with it when you are an old wrinkly granny of which the tattoo will become saggy and unattractive. I agree with him to some extent, in fact lets be real, I agree with him whole heartedly! But that never stopped me wanting one. Doesn’t it amaze you that even when we know all the harmful things something can do to us and the realism of it, we will still go forth and do it. It is almost like we turn a blind eye, almost like it’s temptation, when Adam ate the forbidden fruit-we are humans, we are not realistic enough to know the harmful side affects, yet we look at today and today only, not aware what it may bring in the future.

I kept saying to my father when I was younger… “you just wait, when I am 18 years old, I am going to get one just to spite you and then cover my whole body and get many piercings just to top it off… you just wait!” Obviously I said that to tick him off in a friendly way but I always knew I would get one, no matter what the age. The day came, it was the 29th of may. I was at the shops with my friend, my mother and her friend. My mother and her friend were getting their belly’s pierced, for giggles I think. We were all at the tattoo parlor, and out the blue I piped out: Ma I feel like a tattoo. ( I had always dropped hints and talked about getting one to all my parents, so they knew I wanted one) She surprisingly replied, okay. Maybe she was in a happy mood and felt generous or maybe it was her adrenaline of getting a piercing. I don’t know. But I was thrilled. Spontaneous things always get me hyped up, makes me not think straight…not realistic! Well, I ended up getting one. I was 17 years old.

My tattoo was very small, about one and half cm lengthwise and less than a centimeter high. It was a two-meaning tattoo. What I mean by this is that if you look straight at it, it looks like the Cross amongst hills, this means my religion is God and it represents my love for him. But if you look at it side ways it looks like the 3,4,5 numbers. 3 meant God, 4 meant the four elements of a human (physical, emotional, spiritual, mental) and 5 meant “Stace” which is my nickname and represents my individuality. You probably have no clue to what it looks like but the point I am trying to get to is that, my tattoo has so much meaning to me. I didn’t want to get a tattoo of a pretty picture of which had no underlining meaning. I wanted mine to represent something, to be special…to be unique.

I found that so many people got meaningless tattoo’s, I mean, what is the point- you are going to have it there for the rest of your life, the most you can do is get a tattoo that you will like forever, not just because it is fashionable today! I got my tattoo on my right side, lower hip, just next to my “private area”. I got it there because I didn’t want it somewhere where everyone could see it. Firstly because, honestly, where my parents could not see it as I was 17 and secondly and more importantly, because I didn’t want to go flash it around to everyone, due to the fact that the tattoo was for me and me alone. Some people would come to school and tell everyone as if they had got that tattoo to show everyone and supposedly to be cool. Also, when I would grow older, and if it was exposed, how would people react to seeing it. I liked where my tattoo was, in a personal place, because it was personal! All I can say is that if you decide to have one done, make sure it means a whole lot to you and don’t place it somewhere stupid. Be wise.

When I got home afterwards, and being a very over-analytical person, I once again began to think about what I had done. And the reason for me writing this chapter is so I can sort out my thoughts so the end result is less stress, like I said this book is to help all you readers and to also heal myself in the process, killing two birds with one stone. I started to almost have doubts, regrets almost and I had no reason why. I had always wanted a tattoo, this tattoo in fact. Maybe it was because it was still a bit of a shock that I actually got one, because to me a tattoo was always a big thing. Maybe because it was such a big thing, it made me feel like I was no longer a sweet and honest child, sounds pathetic I know. May be the loss of one’s innocence it quite saddening. But I was never really honest in the first place, I mean I wasn’t a rebel, I may have smoked but did nothing worse than that to lose my honesty and I still had my virginity. Maybe it was just because this was the biggest thing I had done in my life so far, maybe I felt guilty, almost disappointed in myself. But why? It didn’t change me as a person, I was still a nice girl. My tattoo was not something to disapprove of! I couldn’t figure out my feelings, and I started to feel over whelmed by emotion, but I didn’t cry. I didn’t regret the size of my tattoo, the meaning of it, the picture, or even were I put it… then what was it?

Maybe I felt that God was disappointed in me, because maybe it was ruining my temple. But it wasn’t a monstrous tattoo, it wasn’t displaying a bad meaning, it was actually a picture of a Cross, representing my love for Christ and that he was now permanently on my skin, in a sense, he would be with me all the time, I could never get rid of him which was good! It is not defying Christ or going against Him. Maybe I felt my parents were disappointed in me or the fear that they would find out and disown me or be very very disappointed in me, for that is the last thing I would ever want them to be. I couldn’t understand why most of my friends had tattoo’s but they never ever seemed affected the way I seemed to be. Maybe I am just an over analytical thinker and stressed too much, maybe I should’ve just relaxed, I was certainly making a big issue out of nothing!

Brownnosers verse hard workers

August 2008

Imagine you are at a formal dinner at your boss’s house. Seated at the table are other co-workers who are all gunning for a promotion, to be the next senior executive, a job that you have aspired to obtain for a long time. Do you either talk about work issues, showing respect and hard work through your conversation or do you ‘chat-up’ your boss and talk about life, love and personal issues? This question as popped up for me many times, in a sense, it’s actually becoming a major issue in my life.

Throughout my life I have witnessed people who have worked hard and other people who try get further in life and their career by ‘brownnosing’. By ‘brownnosing’ I mean, people who become ‘friendly’ with either their acquaintances or bosses or lecturers to try get further in their university marks, careers or life. In stead of putting their heads down, working hard and showing respect for their bosses, they would rather sit and make friendly conversation to become ‘closer’ with their bosses. The concern I have is - does a person get further in life by being overly friendly or by working hard? In my opinion, I have always believed that when approaching your superior you must show respect for that person and I feel that respect is lost when one tries to be overly friendly. There is a line that should not be crossed. By becoming friends with a superior it is almost like the employee places him or herself on the same level as the superior. In the career world I think there should be boundaries - boundaries that separate business-relationships and friend-relationships.

I am a hard worker, not a brownnoser. I show respect where it needs to be shown and always have a polite hello and goodbye. I feel that getting to close to my superior is inappropriate. But with the experiences I have had recently, I found myself thinking about whether or not I should be a brownnoser rather than a hard worker. Upon speaking to people about this issue, I would ask them whether or not it is actually a good thing to be a brownnoser. Do you get further in life by working hard? Do bosses notice brownnosers more than hard workers or vice versa? Let me explain my experiences more clearly…

I started work as a journalist at a professional company in the beginning of 2008. I would work exceptionally hard, help co-workers out when needed, I would hand in articles before deadlines and always work longer than asked. Yes, I would definitely call myself a hard worker. With my editor, I would not talk about personal matters and always gave the polite hello and goodbye. There were other youngsters working at the company, around the same age as me and I would watch them day after day performing their ‘brownnosing routines’. They would go up to the editor, talk about life, love, personal matters whilst laughing and chatting away. The editor would respond well to this and chat along with them, but I secretly think that she would find it a bit too much sometimes and get annoyed. My young co-workers would spend hours talking to the editor, not even glimpsing at their work. So, there I was, sitting alone at my desk drilling at my work. I began feeling left out as I certainly wasn’t in the ‘click’. Months into my job, I became aware that the editor called my co-workers by their nicknames and gave them more benefits then me. With this awareness I tried to become friendlier with my editor, but couldn’t bring myself to be a brownnoser as I thought it was disrespectful and inappropriate. It irritated me that my co-workers were getting further in their career than I was, hence why I wanted to change from a hard worker to a brownnoser.

In another instance this year, in my journalism lecture at university, I became aware of a few ‘brownnosers’ or ‘suck-ups’, as I would call them. They would continuously talk to the lecturer, laugh, answer all the questions in class and not before long, the lecturer would call them by name. The lecturer would continuously name these ‘suck-ups’ in class and give them awards for their (apparently) good work. Then I started to think… If the lecturer knew them by name, then surely she would now their assignments and tests as their name would be written in the name line. Because she liked these students, then she obviously would give them extra marks. She only focused on these few students and totally disregarded the rest.

I’m sure you have experienced some type of favouritism in school, university or your work place, hey? So, it is better to be a brown noser than a hard worker? I still have no answer to this question… Maybe its about balance?

Saying two

"I am not sailing towards the sun, I am in a rickety old boat with holes in it and am so busy taking the water out of the boat that I do not realise that I am sinking."

- This statement reflects my life at a certain stage. You see, I was in a negative space ( a rickety old boat), with holes in it - that represents the problems in my life. I was so busy trying to fix the problems (trying to take the water out) and so busy with life that I was distracted from my problems, that I didn't realise I was sinking - getting more into a negative space.

We distract ourselves so much in life, to be blind to our issues, that we don't realise that we are getting more and more into a negative place.

Is it real or surreal?

Written 3 September 2006

In the olden days, people would be pregnant and married at an early age, generally speaking. This was considered normal. These days when a young girl gets pregnant at the age of about 19, or younger, or engaged before the time she has turned 24, it is frowned upon. With all the new technology and contraception methods available to the youth these days, why is it that so many youngsters are falling pregnant? We no longer live in the old times where pills and injections did not exist, condoms were not used, or people were not informed and well educated about what could happen from sexual intercourse.

In high school, my friends and I used to sit around a table and think of the future. Who would be the first to have a baby? Who would be the first to become engaged? Who would be the first to move in with a man? These questions seemed so far a head in time, that it actually didn’t dawn on us, that these questions would be answered two years after school.

Children think that reality will only hit them when we are in our mid-twenty’s. We ignorantly think that after school, we go to university and still have a wonderful time, still living with our parents and milking them for money so we don’t ‘actually’ have to work. Reality should then only hit once we have studied and started to find a professional job. Then we settle down, have kids and live a normal routine life. In my life and experience, this is not how it goes.

This year it feels as though all these things you expect to gain in your late twenty’s, have come crashing down like a ton of bricks. It is almost like a huge sign is staring me in the face with a message saying- THIS IS LIFE, DEAL WITH IT!!! But I won’t deal with it because I don’t believe it to be real. This is what has happened this year to make me feel this way... (unlike the original chapter – I have edited this chapter drastically, to protect certain people)

Through the grape vine of gossip, I heard that people were getting pregnant and getting engaged – before the age of 20. Some of the people’s circumstances would justify their actions, I agree, but nevertheless I would never have done what some of the person did. I believe that you must accept your responsibilities and the consequences that may follow from your actions. They are not anyone else’s actions, you decided to do something so therefore you must be mature enough to deal with your problems. Don’t cowardly run away from the acts you so bravely jumped into. The news of these events were shocking to me, but what made it even worse was that people paraded the stories around as if they were all jokes. These events were people’s realities, which actually somehow became mine. I couldn’t believe that the things my friends and I thought would happen so much later in life, were actually happening now.

It really hit home. I kept asking myself, should this be happening now? At this age? I could not, even as hard as I tried, convince myself that this was reality. But others were trying to convince me that it was reality, telling me that this does happen at this age. I secretly thought that they were denying it to themselves. I mean, we live in a world now where it is actually quite impossible to get into situations if you take the right precautions.

All these events were totally surreal to me. I was happy for the people as they were happy with their actions and events, but I didn’t think it was right.

I mean, what is the rush?

Everyone was so supportive of the people, as was I, but it was like there was a giant green gorilla in the middle of the room and no one was willing to talk about it. Everyone kept saying how surreal all the events were, but I think it was because they didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that it was absurd. At a young age a person has not got their head screwed on probably, the youth of today tend to rush into things without clearly thinking about the outcomes of their decisions. Marriage is a life-time commitment, let me repeat that, a life –time commitment. You are bound together by law until you die. That is 365 and a quarter days times by about 70 years. This is why I could not in the slightest understand why people were not speaking up. Understandably, it was not their life or my life, so therefore we should all stand back, smile and be happy for the people. That is what I did, for it was their life, their decisions and I cannot be judgmental. I know it is their lives and I should not be writing about it, and for that I do apologize, but I use their examples to aid in explaining to you how I feel about reality and growing up.

Another example I use is the incident where another one my acquaintances pretended to be pregnant. She was trying to see how quickly gossip would spread and how fast people would be aware of her ‘secret’. I do agree with her intention to see how people gossip and how quickly news spreads, because in the space of about 20 minutes, everyone was talking about her. It is saddening to think that gossip rules the world, it is what our conversations are made of, as if humans get a kick out of judging others and displaying their feelings so openly. I disagree completely with the fact she was pretending to be pregnant, an issue that is occurring everyday to young girls and here she was joking about a serious issue. It was like she was making a mockery of the people I knew, and their troubles they were facing. It was a joke about reality, our reality. This made everything seem more surreal.

Maybe I am living in the past and do not want to accept the present and that people these days fall pregnant and get married in their early years. Maybe I am old fashioned and am trying to deny the fact that times have changed and people are different. Or maybe I just don’t see this as MY reality.

Poking Noses

Why are people such ‘brown nosers’? Always insisting to stick there big noses into other people’s business! People were definitely trying to stick their noses into my business, something that annoyed me to the core. I knew exactly what was going on in my life… I didn’t need a full-on analysis of it from everyone around me, especially when it involved criticism. Many people don’t realize this, but when they criticize another person’s life, they are merely reflecting there own miserable life. Where as in the situation where your friend points out all the negatives in your relationship, she is only displaying subconsciously her own negative aspects in hers. They are trying to subdue the spotlight on their ‘broken’ relationship and shine it brightly onto yours.

Even though I am aware of this, why does it affect me so much? Are the negatives they casually express about your life – negative truths? Is there truth behind their torture? I had one person in particular who laid out all the things she or he thought was bad about my life so clearly on the table. She thought that I was sacrificing my life and opportunities for some one else. Giving up too much of my life for some one else, not thinking of myself. I was truly offended, but was it because truths always hit the heart the most? I don’t think so. It was not truth to me. I chose my life, I chose my choices and I stick by them.
I don’t think it is right for anyone, at any time, to judge another because they do not, in any sense, know what happens between closed doors and in my mind. You can only judge some one after you have walked in their shoes, only once you have lived a day in their life. This is obviously impossibly and therefore no one can judge. They can only judge themselves.

Because everyone’s life is ‘foreign’ to anyone else’s - how can you place criticism on something that is so different to your own? What may be normal to you, maybe be abnormal to me and vice versa. You are happy how you live and I am happy how I live. Simple. You aren’t living my life and don’t have to go through what I go through, so why is there a need to discourage me?

Maybe people ‘constructively’ criticize others in order to try help and better their lives, but I think behind every light there is a darkness. A reason beneath every statement. When that specific person stated that I was holding back on some opportunities, whose opportunities were they? Mine or hers? From a pessimistic point of view, people can be very selfish. Doing something for their own well being and using others to get there. Those ‘opportunities’ she said were mine, might have been hers and she could have been using me to pursue them and thus making her life better. Hard to explain, but there is some truth in this statement. For example, a friend tells her friend that she is spending so much time with her partner and that it is not healthy. This is clearly a criticism. The selfish ‘hidden’ truth behind it is that she wants to spend more time with her friend, going to parties and meeting new guys for herself.

I am happy with my life and I am happy with my choices. That’s all the opinions I need because the most important opinion in the whole entire world is the opinion you have of yourself! I am coping just fine with the way I am living, I don’t think anyone would be able to cope the way I do. But that is why I get so angry with people who criticize my life, because they do not understand it (in fact I don’t want them to). They are only mean about it because they cannot see themselves living the way I do. That makes me happy because no one is as strong as me, I am unique and so is my life.

I am Me.

And this is MY life.

No one else’s.

Family & Seperate: Two words that should not be used in the same sentence

My parents got divorced when I very young. Too young to notice that, at that time, my life was falling apart. I never regret my parents getting divorced. In fact, I think it’s a blessing. I was blessed with a wonderful step father and a step mother, who brought my other two siblings into my life. My life would never have been the same without them. My father and step mother lived in Cape Town and my mother and step father lived in Johannesburg. From a young age until the age of 18, I never felt the brunt of the divorce. I never felt like I had to choose between both families. I lived with my mother and was shipped off by plane every school holiday to Cape Town. There were no decisions to be made, it just was how it was. When I finished school, there were no school holidays. I had to choose when I wanted to go to Cape Town to see my dad and family. But as one grows older, one starts to form ones own life. One gets boggled down by university, work, boyfriends, pets and life in general. These were all the factors that did not allow me time to fly to Cape Town. I did want to see my Cape Town family, all the time in fact, but things just simply got in the way. I did want to see them but at the same time I wanted to live my own life (Not that living your own life means you remove your family from your life completely). I don’t know how to explain it. The best way I can describe it, is that I wanted to stay home and do my own things instead of having to trek to Cape Town. Like I said, when you get older you have your own life. Not to say that your ‘new’ life doesn’t have to include your family. It surely does and I surely wanted my family in mine! I had to make decisions about when I had to go to see the Cape Town family and when I had to see the Johannesburg family. These decisions started to tear me up inside and this is when I started to feel the brunt of the divorce. I understand that as a parent, you want see your children all the time. My dad would continually ask me when I was coming down to Cape Town. It was almost like a question I didn’t want to hear, nor a question I wanted to answer. To be honest, I don’t like having to think about going to Cape Town or going to Durban (my boyfriend’s family) or going to Johannesburg. A – Because I would have to leave my boyfriend because sometimes he couldn’t come with me (as we are inseparable), B – Because I would have to leave my dogs. Those questions would be something I would brush off, block out and not think about. Sure, if I could take my boyfriend and dogs with me I’d go all the time but it’s not possible. And people don’t understand this. They merely think that I don’t care about them or I don’t want to see them. This is surely not the case. My sister used to say to me: “You don’t go to Cape Town. Shame poor dad. You don’t care” (or something along those lines). This brings me onto my next issue of guilt and regret. I continuously feel guilty that I don’t see my Cape Town family a lot. It kills me actually. I keep thinking that one day I’ll look back or when my father dies and I’ll think: I regret not seeing my father enough. I should have gone to Cape Town more often!

Then comes Easter, birthdays, milestones and Christmas … the many events that people love and get excited for. I hate Christmas (although I love the meaning of it). It is one of the events that I most dread and fear. I see those families with the big Christmas trees and a thousand and one presents surrounding it. Those families where the parents and children are all together and happy. The families that aren’t divorced. Looking back, I don’t think I’ve ever had one Christmas where my whole entire family has been together. I’d share Christmas with one family and spending Christmas with my other family would be in a mere phone call: “Merry Christmas”. The cards I’d send would always say: ‘Wish I could be there with you all on this special day”. Christmas was always about wishing. Wishing I could be with my whole family. Wishing that it would be like all the ‘happy’ families. Sometimes, we’d spend Christmas with one family, and then drive a few hours the next day to the other family. As there are 3 families between me and my boyfriend, one family would always be left out. Christmases became something that had to be planned, organized, thought out. “Okay, so this Christmas we are in Durban and then next Christmas we are going to Cape Town, and the following Christmas we’ll be in Johannesburg,” said Chris and I. I look at Christmas as a picture. A picture of me driving in the car with a big tree hanging out the back window. Christmas was always about being on the move. Never in one place … and never one place to decorate properly.

Having three families being apart also involved not being there for birthdays, special occasions and basically, not being there to see the ones I love grow up. To miss so much of your family’s life is heart breaking. I think mobile phones have replaced families, sad as it may sound. Simply put, I just wish my families where in one place, just a walk away. If you are one of my family members and you are reading this, please know that you may have been miles away but you were always close to my heart and never far from my thoughts…

I fight the normal ‘order’ of life. I fight the fact that as one grows older and has one’s own family and children, seeing one’s own parents becomes a few and far between thing. I don’t want to grow up and only see my parents and family once every three to four years. I don’t want our family relationships to end up being mere phone calls. I want to stay close to my family. I don’t want the days, months and years to separate us. But in life, is this really possible? Sadly, I think not. If I barely see my whole family now, what chance do I have when I have my own family to see my family? It looks pretty slim. I hope this is not the case though.

Is this life? Is family all about being apart from one another? Why is this my life? I am sure there are plenty of you out there in the same situation as I am. I feel your pain. Why is it that I feel that I am the only one in my family that feels the brunt? I am sure my family does, but I don’t know about it. Is it my fault that my parents divorced and moved thousands miles away from each other? Is it only me who has to travel to and from places? Why is that the road from you to your family is longer than the road from your family to you? It seems like I’m the only one who has to make the effort, as if it is no trouble for me and I don’t have my own life. Why does it have to be like this? Why does there have to be regrets? I have always made a promise to myself, and one that I have told my boyfriend to keep … If we get married, have children and then get divorced – we will not move out of the same zip code. I won’t allow my children to bear the same burden as I have. It is simply not fair.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Nachos - My favourite

I thought I'd post one of my favourite meals on the blog - for all you who either don't have much money or don't have time to cook....

There's nothing better than sitting in front of the TV eating Nachos and drinking Coke...

What you'll need is the following:

2 avocado's (Woolies has the best)
1 packet of cottage cheese - no matter whether it is chunky or smooth
2 packets of dorito's - cheese flavour
Half a can of tomato & onion mix
Cheese

Make guacamole - I don't know how to do this. Chris, my boyfriend, makes the best!!!
Place Dorito chips on a baking tray and cover with grated cheese.
Wham in the oven for a few minutes.
Place the T & O onion mix in a bowl. Place cottage cheese in a bowl and the guacamole in a bowl. DO NOT put the T & O mix or cottage cheese on the chips first, before placing it in the oven - no body like soggy chips....
Then take out the oven and then spoon the different sauces on the chips.


Yummmmmmmm...... not only does it taste amazing... but there isn't much washing up and it puts you in a good mood...

Please be warned though - this ain't for the calorie conscious!

"Born'up a tree"

For the 'love' of the 'game'

Love is a game. Full stop. Don’t question it. Believe it. Full of ‘players’ just in it to score. Just in it to win a match. Not in it to enjoy the game, but only in it to win, win a prize to place it on their mantle piece, not bothering to clean it or shine it up, but its usage is merely to show what they won, amongst other trophies. It’s a collection, a mere tribute to their greatness of being a player, of which there in reality is none. This does not make me cynical about love, it only makes me wiser. I was always aware of the ‘game’ and it’s ‘players’ but never did I actually think I was in it. Oh, but I was. Well, I was definitely the ball in which the ‘players’ knocked around continuously. But I didn’t want to be the ball any more, I wanted to be a referee, to watch the game, observe and control. And today I am. And I am very proud of that. It takes a long time to learn the game, just like a long time for a referee to get to the position where he is. It is only when you realize that you have had enough of being the ‘ball’, that you take control of the game. Not before.

In our early years of having boyfriends or girlfriends and kissing boys and girls, we are faced with the ‘game’. Both males and females play it equally as hard. Some people are the relationship type and other just like to have a little action here and there, it’s like who can kiss the most girls or boys in one night? It becomes a competition amongst the ‘players’, involving who is the better player. Only when you find the ‘one’ to marry when you are older, does the game only stop. As if you have won the championship. Until then, the game continues.

One night of partying lead to this realization. I hadn’t kissed a guy in a while, so I was the ‘spectator’ of the game at the time. There was no action or scoring or winning, I was certainly out of practice. And so I needed some ‘training’. And with training you need a coach. The ‘game’ is like a practical exam. You may know the rules, tips, and ways to do or ‘play’ it but when it actually gets down to it, you have no clue, no idea of how to put all your knowledge into practice. My ‘coach’ was one of my close friends, who taught me rules and regulations about the ‘game’. But I needed something or someone else to actually push me into the game, and get the ball rolling. That someone was a guy, no names mentioned, who I met this one night. Yes, we flirted and eventually he kissed me unexpectedly and it made me realize that I was in the game now and no longer remained a spectator. He was not my type nor was I ever attracted to him, but as the saying goes ‘beggars cant be choosers’ and so I got his number and pursued calling him. Being lonely can make you blind because there is no one else, almost a sort of desperation. You will blind yourself from all the faults of that one person. I know it’s wrong to judge but I knew he was all wrong for me. He was like the rebellious naughty type. But I didn’t care. So we started chatting on the phone for the week and he told me exactly what I wanted to hear. He smsed me everyday, sometimes three to four times a day - talk about obsessive! He charmed me right into the place he wanted me to be. And then we organized to see each other on the following Saturday but when I phoned him the day before he acted like he never knew me and put down the phone when I tried to call. I don’t know why he did that or why he had a sudden change of thought, but maybe he thought we were getting to close and all he wanted was ‘ass’. It’s one of those unresolved mysteries, you always wonder, but never know.

I didn’t like him a lot and thankfully was not heart broken. It just irritated me. I irritated myself for being so ignorant. Not realising that boys are only in for one thing and one thing only. No offence to men, but the truth hurts. I was annoyed because I allowed him to control my ‘game’, he was the ‘player’ and I was the ‘ball’. He played me for a fool, and I was the pathetic little ‘ball’ being smacked around. After that I promised myself that I would never be the ‘ball’, but I would be in control of my own ‘game’. I was the powerful player, and men were the balls.

Things happen for a reason

I have heard this saying so many times in my life; it is almost like it has become clique. Until today and through my experiences I now whole-heartedly believe it. I am a person who believes in fate, I believe that certain happenings will occur in your life in order to ‘take’ you to where you are ‘supposed’ to be in your future. God, if you believe in him of whom I do, has designed my life, planned every event and course perfectly in order to prepare and develop me into something I will be in my future. Many things have happened to me in the course of my life so far, but I didn’t actually think about the ‘big picture’ until today.

Let’s start from when I was younger and in primary school. Being teased on a daily basis was not, in any sense, about my looks or about the mean person calling me names. It would play a bigger part in my life, unbeknownst to me at the time. Yes, sure, it hurt like hell and gradually lowered my self-esteem to the size of a pea, but despite how badly I was affected, it actually was a positive experience in the long run and would receive more positive outcomes than negative ones. If my self esteem wasn’t degraded, I would have never have gone to a psychologist for the depression I was going through at the time. I found the psychologist, honestly, a waste of time and thought that they only told me what I already knew. This of course led me on another path. I left the psychologist and was introduced to a wonderful ‘spiritually enlightened’ woman whom I was told would help me with my problems and low self esteem. Surprisingly she did!

My on going sessions with my spiritual healer increased my interest in the ‘spiritual’ world and I found myself wanting to know more and more about spirituality. I was in for a spiritual awakening! I was then lead to learning and investigating more about spirituality and still am to this day and as I look back on those days of teasing and mockery, I now see that it was actually a positive event. I mean, think about it, if I wasn’t teased then I wouldn’t be depressed and have gone to the psychologist or my spiritual guider. Yes, I will always remember the feelings and hurt of being teased; the degrading words expressed to me by those heartless people, but the satisfaction I get these days from being spiritually active, I could say that it was worth it and I would never change it for the world.

One person said to me one day that God will never place something upon you that you will not be able to handle. She was right, because I don’t think anyone else would have been able to handle it the way I did and come out of it with a smile. I was strong, and God had known my strength and my ability to overcome it. So I thank those people who called me names, for I am a better person today because of it. Strange how things work out hey? People, especially me, will only look at the situation at the present moment and the negative reality of it. They will not look at the ‘big picture’ and positive affects it can bring into your life. So in the end, the teasing happened for a reason, and a great one at that! That was one experience in a history book of many.

Another time in which I learnt that things happened for a reason was when I went to the hairdresser. I had bleached half my hair white and the top was black, so my hair was in dire need of a fix up. Whilst sitting outside having coffee and waiting for the dye to settle in my hair, a male hairdresser sat next to me. I had first got an eerie feeling about him, sad to say, but something still intrigued me about him. Maybe I felt a vibe or something, but I asked him if he meditated? Just out of the blue, just like that. He surprisingly replied with a yes, but said he didn’t like talking about spiritual things if no one approached him first about it. We then got into an in depth conversation about the composition of the world, human beings as ‘spiritual beings’ and life issues. I told him about my fear of boys, interaction with the male species and my low self esteem. He told me about his low self-esteem (he had also been teased as a youngster). I was shocked to hear that, yet relieved because someone else had gone through what I had been through. That day and for a while back I had many issues and pondering thoughts in my head I needed to sort out, many questions I needed answered. And he gave me some answers and website addresses for more information I was wanting for ages.

It was so strange how two people of different sexes, ages and personalities, that were complete strangers, could come together instantly and talk freely about something quite personal, only something people could talk about after a long time of knowing one another. I then realised that going to get my hair cut and dyed was not the purpose of my visit to the hairdresser but to meet this man who would bring me so much knowledge and answers I had been searching for, for a long time. So very strange, but God works in mysterious ways, amazing ways in fact. I can relate this to people in many ways. A person may come into your life for a reason, either to help you financially, or give you advice when you have been needing ‘mental aid’ for a while or for some other reason. But it is purely up to you to realise their purpose in your life and not just pass it off as some ordinary encounter. I had many encounters like that in my youth of which were so helpful and sometimes almost life changing.

One day at school I got into another in depth with a girl in my class I would never think of having a conversation with, never mind it being meaningful. She gave me advice and some what inspiration to continue my research of life and soul searching. My encounter with her happened for a reason, and it also gave me the thought which inspired me to write this chapter. And I thank her as I do other people for coming into my life for that split second for a reason and a purpose in which helped in my development.

An introduction is in order... Stacey Rowan

I could have written in the 'about me' column on the home page of this blog - but that would not have justified me. I need a full page, in fact a whole book to describe myself.

I am so glad I came across this blog. Congrats to the developers! Not only can you post your blogs and upload pictures but templates are provided - shit, this is awesome!

As you know my name is Stacey Rowan.

My favourite colour is green.

My favourite shot is Tequila.

My favourite cocktail is Long Island.

Bad habit: Smoking - much to the dismay of my parents

Favourite quote: If you want something done do it yourself.

Luxury: Coca-cola (I shit you not. I never have money for nice clothes, etc)

Favourite series: Sex & The City - one day I will be a sex columnist

One word to describe me - .................... ummmmm.......... ummm.....?

A quick analysis of all the general information that will probably bore you... I'm 23 years old, a full blooded Scorpio. I am an over thinker, always busy, overly ambitious, never content in the moment, always striving for the future and never stopping to be content in the 'now. I am very spiritual, I believe in Christ.

I have 2 dads, 2 moms. Half the family is in Cape Town, Half is JHB (Hartees). I am blessed for having a big family. I have an older sister and brother and a younger sister.

I live in JHB in a flat, with my boyfriend Christopher and my two darling children. No, these are not actual babies but dogs. Harry and Sally.... yes I named them after the movie 'When Harry met Sally' - how romantic.....

I studied BA Journalism at UJ and am now a journalist. I also own a party business and yes, I dress in clown outfits and fairy outfits. It helps paying the bills. One day though, thoust shalt no longer be doing the jobs and having no weekend - I'll be hiring others to do the jobs for me.

I am currently doing a reiki course, with the hope that I will be healed and my inner issues being resolved.

Stacey Rowan wants to conquer the world at 23. Any is doing so, stresses overboard and will in turn become insane by the age of 40. - But hey, people say that its the intelligent ones that go mad isn't?

I don't know why I decided to do this blog - I actually don't care if anyone doesn't read it. For me its a step towards one of my goals - to be an author. Most of the articles in this blog are from chapters from a book I have written from the age of 13. No, this blog is not intended to be a newsworthy, updated every 5 seconds, news blog. I will not be dedicating this blog to taking about latest movies, like Sex and City 2, or natural disasters in Haiti (God bless their souls), or the 2 year old boy who smokes(its on Youtube by the way). This blog is dedicated to lessons - lessons I have learnt over the years... similar to a self help book, but with relevant examples. Maybe one day someone, a publisher for example, will come across this and will want to publish my book.... cross fingers! In the interim, this blog is for me....

To my parents - you might read things that are not supposed to be seen by your eyes. I do apologise for this, but I have always been open with you and you pretty much know everything about me. PS. turn a blind eye to any profound language or swearing. For readers - there might be things that are blunt, honest and open - fuck'en deal with it. This is Stacey - take it or leave it!

But for those who find interest, relativity, comfort, help and support from my words, I hope you will find the truth in what I say, and apply it to your own life...

For any of you who read my articles just coz you ain't got nu'thing else to do... welcome anyway! I bet you'll be hooked by the time you finish this post.

Enjoy,

Stace

Can you live just by loving?

24 September 2007

They say love makes the world go round. Or is it money? Love… money – who the hell knows these days. I used to believe that I would rather be stone-broke and deeply in love than wealthy without love in my life. But in our modern society is this appropriate? Can we honestly be in a love-filled relationship and survive without money? These days I’m beginning to think that this is not a possibility. For where there is no money, there is stress. Where there is stress, there is confrontation. Confrontation is the source of anger, not love. Can love pay the bills? Can it pay for your child’s education? Basically, can love keep you off the streets?

I’ll tell you one thing though – money can never ever buy a mental and spiritual connection between two people in love or between a family. As the saying goes – ‘You cannot live without having loved’ – but can you survive without clothes on your back, no house to sleep in and no food on the table? These are the things that money buys. So, if you can not survive from the get go without money – how can you survive in order to experience love. It’s like what comes first – the egg or the chicken? Money or love? Through love your parents conceived you. Although on the other hand, you could have been conceived by a prostitute (whom someone paid) on one night where the condom accidentally broke or you were conceived through artificial insemination which costs money.

Anyway, I’m getting off track here. What I’m trying to get at is whether a relationship or a family can maintain itself on love alone. Does money play a part? Is it both money and love that is needed in equal proportions? In my heart – I do know that love is the greatest thing one could have. Like I said, money can’t buy you that. But in the 20th century you need a house, a good education and some valuables – which in, your love can prosper.( I’m not saying that that is the only means for love flourishing!)

Money will buy you the bed in which you make love. Money will buy you the pen with which you write a love note to your partner. Money will buy you the bunch of flowers to express your love to your special partner. Money will buy you the dinner where you share a romantic feast surrounded by candlelight. Money will pay for your wedding where you devote your life to your soul mate. It will also pay for your honeymoon at a holiday resort where you both share nights of passion. Money will pay for the hospital where you have your first child – a ‘product’ of your love. What can love buy?

Love can keep you warm on a cold night. It can give a home-less person the strength to carry on. Love can make you feel special. In fact, love can make you feel many things. Most of all love can make you happy.

So the question remains – can you live just by loving? I still don’t know the answer…

Life as a staircase

3 March 2006

One day, at university, I found myself sitting on a staircase watching people walk up and down the staircases and started to think about how staircases can represent life. Life in a metaphorical sense, is a staircase. There are many types of staircases- short ones leading from a path to a front door and the long ones which go up so many levels. At my university, the staircases were long and by the time I reached the top I found myself sweating and gasping for air. I sat in the middle of it, with a view of the whole staircase.

Have you ever looked at an university with all of its stairs and levels? Concrete to some people, it’s more than that to me- it represents the levels of life. It is the morning after I saw a bad accident, with smashed cars and a dead man lying on the road - something my eyes don’t like to see. I feel so down, haunted by that very sight. It gets me thinking about life, the levels of life and death.

When we are born, we start at the lowest floor and we look up at the roof with the many levels that eventually reach it- a ‘life long’ procedure. Each step is growth, going from childhood to teenagers to adulthood. Each level represents an age of life.

Sometimes people run up the stairs, growing to quickly for our own age. Sometimes people walk up the stairs slowly as if weights were tied to their ankles. Life is too hard and daunting for them. Sometimes people sit and think at the top of the staircase, trying to figure out whether to go down a level and more backwards and some think whether to go forward and up a level. That is where I am sitting now. Smack bam in the middle!

The roof or top level represents death, as there are no stairs beyond the roof to walk. This stage is old age, signifying death.

Sometimes people trip and fall down the stairs, at any age or level. This represents when a person dies before their time to before they reach old age (like the person in the accident). Some people, on the other hand, get tired and can not take walking or ‘life’ and therefore jump off the staircase and lie dead on the first floor. This is suicide.

Some people run up the stairs, this shows that they love life and are energetic about life. Whilst others lug themselves up the stairs as they are drained from life.

The question is: How do you go up the stairs? Do you run or walk?
What level are you at now?
Are you going to move forward or backwards?

New years resolutions - failed again

As 2007 is nearly up, it is nearly that time again when all of us hopefuls get our note pads out and start jotting down our new year resolutions for the upcoming year. High expectations are set, as if we never learn. Year after year we set these unrealistic resolutions that never seem to be attained. Failure to lose those ten kilograms or achieve one hundred percent in our university exams end up in feelings of failure. In order to turn failed resolutions into achieved ones, it is imperative to have a closer analysis of this concept of ‘resolutions’.

The term ‘resolutions’ encompasses the term ‘solution’ – to‘re-solve’. Should we then rephrase the term as ‘New year resolving’? What are we resolving then? Our present problems or future ones? If we are to find solutions to our present problems, then why do we continue to make new expectations that will cause us to have future problems? How can one build a foundation on a rocky platform? It is like a flower trying to grow on dry soil – impossible!

Contrary to what most people say, we need to stop focusing on the future, and deal with the past. We can not strive for the accomplishment of achieved resolutions if the basic foundation of each resolution is not resolved.

My previous resolution from last year involved loosing ten kilograms. I only managed to loose three kilograms throughout the entire year. Regarding this resolution for 2007 what was I trying to resolve? Obviously my weight problem. It is now December and I am about to write my new years resolutions for 2008. One of my new resolutions is to lose 14 kilograms. But how is this at all possible if I failed to loose the previous ten kilograms of 2007? The answer is this - It is not possible.

The ‘solution’ to New Year’s resolutions is to stop writing them in the first place. Don’t pick up that note pad, don’t write your hopes, don’t set your expectations which are doomed to fail and lastly don’t set yourself up for disappointment. The trick, in a sense, is to back track. Work on and resolve previous year’s resolutions. In fact, write a heading on your notepad stating: “My ten year resolutions”. By doing this, you will be able to set yourself goals that are achievable in a larger time frame. I am not implying that one should set goals in a time frame of 30 years. This gives one no motivation.

Yes, it is a new year. The future is unforeseeable. It is bright. It is hopeful. But by looking at the future from a different angle or perspective, you will see that it is another year, another opportunity to set yourself right and to figure out your worries and your woes. It is another year to achieve your goal weight, another year to become a top manager in your business and another year to become a better you. Do not go overboard in dabbling in your problems or past, but use your past to constructively enter into your future.

Men - The irrational apes

March 2007

The evolution of man, as stated by many theorists, shows the process of men evolving from apes. Man’s physicality may have changed from the ape, but has the mind’s of men changed? The great philosophers argued that man possesses rationality, that we can therefore make rational judgments and have rational solutions to our problems. This is however, not evident in society today and many incidents that I have witnessed, may prove this statement inaccurate and false.

One incident in particular occurred one evening at a friend’s house. A get together of people involving fun, food, chatting and alcohol. But of course, alcohol brings more to the table then just the word and the booze itself. Alcohol brings with it boosted egos, unacceptable behavior and violence. This is to be expected, not all the time but most of the time. This time I expected it.

To cut a long story short, I’ll give you a metaphor. Imagine an ape living in his cell, his territory in the zoo. Along comes another ape. Being territorial and protecting what they ‘own’, a fight breaks out. “This is my territory- back off.” The ape’s, although vocabulary stunted, can’t sit down and participate in a discussion about whose lands this is and why the ‘invader’ should not cross certain boundaries. The funny thing is, human men follow the same procedure. They possess the ability to talk, yet commence in a battle of brawn.

This was the situation at my friend’s house. Unwelcome guests arrived and my friend and his mates decided to beat the living shit out of the unwelcomed guests. Fists flew, bodies pounced, blood spew everywhere. It was a sight that brought me to tears - that brought me to write this chapter. Why are men and boys like apes? Maybe scientists are wrong, maybe there is NO missing link between apes and humans. We inevitable act the same, and do not use our ability to rationalise.

In my opinion, fighting is the worst thing to resort to. It is physically repulsive to look at and actually down right pathetic. The strange thing is, is that man seem to enjoy it. It is a quest for them – to see who has the biggest penis out of the lot. Then after their victory, they dance around with praise like apes beating their chests. They cry out ‘Did you see that punch?’ or ‘did you see how scared that guy looked?’. They fight as a team and praise each other for the ‘terrific’ work they just did. What is even more irritating is that even if the actual fight was between two people and supposed to be a one-on-one fight, the whole flock gets involved. Men in fights claim that they are so strong and could beat up anyone, yet it takes ten of them to beat up one guy. How inhumane is it that one person gets beaten up by ten people- not a fair match I’d say. It’s easy when a whole bunch of men join together – truly irrational. Don’t men realise that it is far harder to speak with words then to speak with a fist?

Let’s observe men in their natural habitat of watching a game of rugby. A player scores a goal on television and the audience watching screams and shouts or otherwise known as ‘rant and rave’. The referee then makes a command that the audience does not like, and they grunt and groan. No verbal communication is used, well I’m being a little unfair hear- words used are: ‘bloody idiot’, ‘stupid’, ‘fucking bozo’ – these fall short of a rational and intellectual human being vocabulary.

Maybe what is needed is a mental evolution. If not, men should be stripped of their humanitarian clothes and left with a skin cloth. – NOTHING ELSE BUT THEIR ANIMAL INSTINCTS.

Highways

As being a very deep and thoughtful person I found myself very much thinking about the most unusual things. A normal person would think about his money or his family, I would tend to think about basis things, like for instance roads and cars. I am not talking about the colour or types of cars or what makes it, I am talking about cars driving on the road. I found myself one day sitting on a grassy patch looking over scenery of buildings and intersections of roads and many cars driving on them. It was late in the afternoon, slowly but growing into the sunset evening. It amazes me how just staring into an ordinary scenery can be so soothing, almost relaxing even though all around you is crazy, drivers hooting and rushing to go where they have to be. So there I was, my brain thinking and my soul searching to find truth in this amazing scenery. I started to think.

Why was I so fascinated in the movement of cars driving along the road as they always did? I then came to a realisation. People were driving in the cars, of course they did as you may think. But it was something more. Then it came to me. I thought about the drivers! Where were they going to? Where did they come from, what place did they leave, either their work or a house? Some were in a rush, others just relaxed behind the wheel. What made them in a rush, what ‘obstacle’ in that day made them late? What had they done in their lives or jobs to obtain the money to purchase that car? What made them choose that style or colour of their car? Was it their favourite choice of colour or style, or were they at the wrong car dealership at the wrong time- did fate decide for them?

Then I started to think of the ‘bigger picture’. Let’s just say you were on a highway with roads or the freeway below you and you can see all the cars drive past below. Have you ever watched the cars move, it’s like they are all moving at the same time, almost synchronized. No car moving faster then the other, all at equal distances from one another. I found that sight very exuberating. It is like the road is an exact replica of “life”. Every one “moving” together, as humans do, along the “so-called” Journey of life. Everyone has come from a place, “driving” on the journey, and headed towards a destination! Some cars break down, just like humans do when they have an emotional or physical break down and some cars just move along smoothly with no problems, just like some blessed humans do. But no “car” is perfect and sometimes even the most expensive and “durable” cars need a service! Something then caught my eye. There are many hills or curves on a road, no road is very straight.

Further on in the distance I could see the road disappearing into the distance, you could no longer see the roads or the cars on it. And as the cars go off into the distance and disappear all I could see was the bright red back lights of the car, as it was turning into the night and getting darker. I then related this sight to life once again. The cars with their backs facing me and disappearing behind the hill, is almost like death per say. And the cars coming toward me over the hill was like birth. Every person dies and another is born. Some “cars” leave you and you aren’t able to see them yet you know they are still “driving” along, maybe in Heaven; it depends on what you believe. I may be wrong, but there is no harm in thinking. And yes you, the reader, may think that this “thought” about a car is absurd, well, hey it’s my thought. One thought amongst a many in my brain, one thought to add to my world of thinking and one thought to add to my ever-so-searching soul.

To lose yourself in another

Have you ever walked into a shopping mall and seen those couples where the man is looking well-kept and handsome and the woman is looking frumpy? She wears no make up, her hair is up in a scrunchy and her clothes look like they are from the men’s department. I bet if you had a before picture of her when she was single she would look completely different. She would have had straightened hair, layered make-up and her clothes would be fashionable.

Generally speaking, most women will lose themselves when they become married. They no longer have to wear tight clothes and excessive make up in order to attract a man. They have found one. Women go into this ‘comfort zone’. It is almost as if they don’t have to care about their appearance as they have found a man who loves them for who they we are. I mean, a husband has seen his wife first thing in the morning when her eye liner has run down to her chin and her hair resembles a bird’s nest. She then starts to think ‘well, if he loves me for my morning breath and my unwashed face – then why should I try to look attractive anymore?’ I am not referring to all women, but there is some truth in my words. There is truth in my own experiences.

I may not be married, but I am not single. I have found myself transitioning from the old ‘kept’ me, to the new ‘un-kept’ me. I have found that I have lost myself. I no longer try as much to look attractive, nor do I spend ours in front of the mirror putting make up on and doing my hair. I hate myself for this. I hate the fact I do not do this for myself anymore, let along for my boyfriend. I often think to myself ‘Wouldn’t he like to see me looking pretty?’

To lose one self, I am not only speaking specifically of appearance. I have lost, as some of you will feel too, my identity. When one person becomes a ‘pair’, we find that the identity of each person becomes a joined identity. If you are in a couple ask yourself this: Do you still listen to the same music, go out with the same friends, have the same tastes and likes that you possessed when you were single? My answer to this is no. It’s quite sad actually. Being in a relationship, I have found that I have adopted many likes, tastes and interests from my boyfriend. I am sure this applies to him too. But is this a bad thing? I can see it from two points of view. The first point is that by adopting many likes and interests from him, I broaden my views and horizons. I learn more things and appreciate many news ones. But on the negative side, I have forgotten who I am. I am no longer the person who I was. I no longer go out at night, I no longer see the people who filled my earlier years, I no longer spend time with ‘me’. My identity is not ‘I’ but ‘us’. This leads to the question: ‘Do I want to be an ‘I’ or an ‘us’? (This does not mean one must choose between being a pair or single. This is a question that is asked when in a relationship. Do you want to have your own identity or a joined identity?)

I think the change of identity when entering a relationship is inevitable. It will happen. Maybe we as humans have different identities for different phases of our lives. I mean is it realistically possible to have the same identity you possessed when you were single? Maybe two strong identities will clash, that’s why the molding of two identities is important within a relationship, in order to make it work. Should the questions rather be rephrased as: How much molding should be done? Should there be a compromise regarding identities? Is it right that one person has 20 percent of their old selves and the other partner has 80 percent? Should we keep 50 percent of our old selves and 50 percent of our new selves? Maybe, at the end of the day, it is not the lose of the old self but merely the acceptance of a new self.