Have you ever walked into a shopping mall and seen those couples where the man is looking well-kept and handsome and the woman is looking frumpy? She wears no make up, her hair is up in a scrunchy and her clothes look like they are from the men’s department. I bet if you had a before picture of her when she was single she would look completely different. She would have had straightened hair, layered make-up and her clothes would be fashionable.
Generally speaking, most women will lose themselves when they become married. They no longer have to wear tight clothes and excessive make up in order to attract a man. They have found one. Women go into this ‘comfort zone’. It is almost as if they don’t have to care about their appearance as they have found a man who loves them for who they we are. I mean, a husband has seen his wife first thing in the morning when her eye liner has run down to her chin and her hair resembles a bird’s nest. She then starts to think ‘well, if he loves me for my morning breath and my unwashed face – then why should I try to look attractive anymore?’ I am not referring to all women, but there is some truth in my words. There is truth in my own experiences.
I may not be married, but I am not single. I have found myself transitioning from the old ‘kept’ me, to the new ‘un-kept’ me. I have found that I have lost myself. I no longer try as much to look attractive, nor do I spend ours in front of the mirror putting make up on and doing my hair. I hate myself for this. I hate the fact I do not do this for myself anymore, let along for my boyfriend. I often think to myself ‘Wouldn’t he like to see me looking pretty?’
To lose one self, I am not only speaking specifically of appearance. I have lost, as some of you will feel too, my identity. When one person becomes a ‘pair’, we find that the identity of each person becomes a joined identity. If you are in a couple ask yourself this: Do you still listen to the same music, go out with the same friends, have the same tastes and likes that you possessed when you were single? My answer to this is no. It’s quite sad actually. Being in a relationship, I have found that I have adopted many likes, tastes and interests from my boyfriend. I am sure this applies to him too. But is this a bad thing? I can see it from two points of view. The first point is that by adopting many likes and interests from him, I broaden my views and horizons. I learn more things and appreciate many news ones. But on the negative side, I have forgotten who I am. I am no longer the person who I was. I no longer go out at night, I no longer see the people who filled my earlier years, I no longer spend time with ‘me’. My identity is not ‘I’ but ‘us’. This leads to the question: ‘Do I want to be an ‘I’ or an ‘us’? (This does not mean one must choose between being a pair or single. This is a question that is asked when in a relationship. Do you want to have your own identity or a joined identity?)
I think the change of identity when entering a relationship is inevitable. It will happen. Maybe we as humans have different identities for different phases of our lives. I mean is it realistically possible to have the same identity you possessed when you were single? Maybe two strong identities will clash, that’s why the molding of two identities is important within a relationship, in order to make it work. Should the questions rather be rephrased as: How much molding should be done? Should there be a compromise regarding identities? Is it right that one person has 20 percent of their old selves and the other partner has 80 percent? Should we keep 50 percent of our old selves and 50 percent of our new selves? Maybe, at the end of the day, it is not the lose of the old self but merely the acceptance of a new self.
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