Traffic jammin'

Having started working in the city, a 50 minute drive from the quiet farm life where I live, I now wake up every morning at 4.30 to leave by 5am, to get to work at 6am.
God forbid I leave 15 minutes later, or even 5 minutes later. That's the thing about traffic in Johannesburg - the city of smog, impatient drivers and ugly scenery - it depends on time. Being 10 minutes late will set you back about an hour. Being 5 minutes early will bring you forward 30 minutes. Just those few little seconds, those few itty bitty minutes will dictate how you're going to spend your morning - whether breezing through the roads, or stuck in traffic.
On the odd occasions when I tell my alarm clark to fuck off and sleep in for those extra little 5 minutes (even 5min does a world of good!) I wind up cemented in bumper to bumper traffic, burning the clutch of my car and having my morning dose of getting high on petrol fumes (no wonder I'm such a happy morning person.)

Now when in this situation, what does one do to entertain oneself? Yes, having a CD player helps, or a radio, as you can sing to your heart's desire whilst the person in the front car is laughing his head off at you whilst peering through his review mirror. But sadly my radio is not working (a fuse blew) so there'll be no singing loudly, nor anymore laughing at me. I have suffered the no-radio-problem for months now so I'm using this blog as a brainstorm for ways to keep entertained whilst stuck in traffic.

One could smoke. It's amazing how many smokes you can cram into an hours driving session. Let's play the game of "HOT BOX THE CAR!" Two, get acquainted with the GPS. I'm sure everyone loves the sexy accent of the female who talks on the device and who can't say the street names properly. No wait, actually let's laugh at the GPS. The third way to keep amused is to try new routes to work and get lost in the many dead ends you encounter. Although you wasting time, and petrol, at least you'll be using the time in a busy manner in stead of sitting for the same time on the same route. Four, the sms marathon where we catch up on sms's, phone calls and communication. I know it's illegal to use your phone when driving - but squeezed between two trucks going no where can't be considered driving.

I've got to get used to this traffic, and these fucken early mornings. Hopefully it doesn't kill me. But if I leave early enough and beat it, then I can watch the sun rise and there's no need for entertainment.

New, new, new!

So not only am I moving house at the end of the month, but I am also starting a new job on Wednesday! So looking forward to hours of traffic to and from the office, very early mornings struggling to get out bed (esp with it almost being Winter), clogging my face with make up every morning and having no freedom. Nah.... I won't be sitting in traffic as I negiotiated the times with my future boss; I will be able to get out of bed as I'll have a purpose in life; every day I will feel pride in myself that I look nice for once instead of being in no-one-should-see-me-clothes everyday and instead of freedom I'll have security and stability (and who actually says that self employment is freedom... it's more like being chained with stress and worry.) Yes, I have made the right decision. I can't wait until the end of the month when I can rest assured that money is coming in. Self employment is not for the weak - it's damn fucking hard. I don't regret these last few months of trying to make it work as I was tested and learnt a great deal, nor am I giving up on myself - I am just starting on a new venture. Being self employed, I would look for ANY type of avenue that would create business and money and I would discount my services so that at least ANY type of money would come in. Now I can solely be focused on my full time job (which by the way is at the TOP of the list when it comes to media companies) and my events business. This brings with it focus and clarity. I will also no longer suffer from social isolation as self employment is a lonely place. I can chirp and chirp to my heart's content at the office, meet new people and use up my 5000 words for the day. Eventually I'll go back to self-employment and do it again. But for now, I'm moving into a beautiful home and I need a stable job to pay for it. Let the new chapter of my life begin! Amen.

Read the signs

Yes I know the picture is rotated... it's actually quite perfect as that's how I see my life at the moment. Distorted, but you can still what's going on.

So here I am sitting at the mechanics on a miserable blue Monday. I was on my way to a face painting job (which I will now have to refund the client 600 bucks for as I won't be able to make it) and my car was making this horrible noise. So there's positive Stacey thinking that it's just rocks stuck in the brakes caused from driving on a farm... but wait, she's just about to be hit across the head with a R1500.00 bill, or should I say bat. Yes, my brakes and discs need to be changed and the mechanic says it's not safe to drive all the way to JHB. So with no money in my bank I tell the dude to change it and I'll make a plan.

So here I am wollowing in my own sorrow, my own depression, watching the cars come to fill up and get high on their fumes, whilst I start to get piles sitting on this hard floor. It's been a tough couple of months, and now with us moving (that'll have to wait for another blog) I am trying to work as hard as I can to get as much money in. But yes, life always seems to knock us when we down...

But hey, on my 'petrol caused high' I start to think. And wait. And breath. I call this friend who I do work for and ask for my money so I can pay this mechanic. Then shortly after she pays me,she sends me a message asking if I'd want to do sales for her. POSITIVE SIGN NUMBER ONE. If my car wasn't making a noise and I had not of come to the mechanic and needed money, then I wouldn't have phoned or and she wouldn't have offered me the work-from-home-job. Then straight after this petrol attendent passes by with a name tag 'lucky'. POSITIVE SIGN NUMBER TWO.

In our states of misery, when we're at our lowest, there are always signs from the Universe that things are working out as they should. All in their own parts, all working together discretely but obvious if you look properly. It's in our lowest that we really look at life through spiritual eyes and look for the signs from God saying "I'm still here."

So from a 'blue' monday, it goes into a 'true' Monday - I see life in it's truest form. From sadness to hope. From depression to faith. From emotional to calm.

Speak up

It's hard when you have problems. It's even harder when you keep them to yourself. Like a disease, they eat away at your soul, killing you slowly day by day.

I eventually opened up to someone. Maybe it was fear of judgement that held me back for so long, maybe it was my own brain making a mountain over a mole hill or my own emotions of guilt and sorrow. I finally opened up after my emotions were knocking at the door and could no longer be contained. With tears in my eyes I bared my soul. I released it. Now I am VERY vocal person so one could only imagine how much pain I was going through trying to conceal it. It was sheer torture.

We always expect the worst outcome or the worst reaction. We always feel that once told, we'd be scorned or burnt alive with sticks. But most of the time we're just over-reacting in our heads and the reactions we actually do recieve are nothing that we anticipated. I was comforted to find that the reaction I recieved was one of trust, comfort, positivity and love. I thank that person for truly understanding and for loving me so much that no judgement would ever be placed upon me.

Since communicating and finally letting it out, I feel burden free; my soul can finally breath. As my 'listening ear' said to me - A PROBLEM SHARED IS A PROBLEM HALVED. And this is truly the case. I can breath a sigh of relief. Since sharing, I no longer am drowned by the thought of my problem - it's more like a forgotten past. A distant memory.

If I can pass on just one thing to who ever is reading this, it'll be to speak up. Share your problem, communicate. There's nothing worse then having a problem and feeling like you can't tell anyone; feeling alone. Find that someone who you truly love and trust and share with them. We are all human, we all have dark secrets, problems and issues. And who knows, that person may be able to share some light on your problem and make you see it in another perspective, or better yet, help you heal.

I did it. I was scared shitless. But I did it. And now I can heal.

To that special person - thank you. I love you.

Business inspiration & the new South Africa

So besides the bartendering, I decided to get some business books from the library and attend the My Business Expo to get inspired for my business. You see, when in a dump or a black hole of morbidity - do something about it. Be proactive, get inspired.

This expo surely left me inspired. The seminar included talks about the magic of success, sales and the power of social media. Just listening to these people is bound to put fire crackers up your butt and do something positive. I came home with such a buzz; ideas following through my head as fast as you can blink.

Listening to how these top entrepreneurs failed and then succeeded, how they persevered and kept a determined mind frame is nothing but wow. It made me realise that I can do this. I came home with notes, a new business perspective and things to do. This is going to keep me busy for a while!

Wow was truly jaw-dropping was the talk on business and social media. I was literally sitting there gasping at how social media has taken over; how creativity and social media can transform even the smallest business and how social media has progressed to such an extent that it seems almost unthinkable. The statistics are awe-inspiring. It's time for me to make my business online, and properly this time - the digital expert way.
It was also inspiring to see the many people that were there; the hopeful entrepreneurs who were starting, or wanting to start, their own business. The audience was predominantly black people and that was great to see. It's a new South Africa and I am so glad to see black people becoming the new business owners, the new inspirers of the next generation. Colour or no colour, we were the hopefuls. The dreamers. The people who wanted to be inspired. Too learn. To go home and transform our lives. And what made me feel even better is that I have a business, I have already gone through the process, gained the clients and groveled... I just had to make it work WELL now. It was the validation that I needed.

True to form, the universe and God were working their magic as they always do. I met this guy and we got to chatting. To make a quick business point, we discussed creating an inspiring event where we'd speak to the less fortunate and inspire the communities. He asked me if I'd like to be a motivator (something I'd always thought about doing) and there was the universal sign. I came to the expo, got inspired and met a possible business partner. I've always wanted to help the less fortunate and this could be the way. So let's keep fingers crossed and soon you might be listening to me trying to inspire you.
Yes, I am definately on the right track mentally and business wise too.

Bitchin' Bikers!

Don't know who this dude is in the picture, but what a great pic it is!

I finally got of my hell hole and picked myself up (thank you to that special person for helping me). Off to the bar I went. Not for copious amounts to drink, like those sad sad people at the bar drinking themselves into a flat coma, trying to rid themselves of the drama that pervails their life. No, I was going to work.

Wow, it's been almost 9 years since I worked at a bar. Since my feet ached so much that they wanted to fall off. Since my short term memory worked - trying to remember many a long list of food and drink orders simultaneously.

Working for yourself is lonely at times and the social isolation is a killer. What better remedy than to work at a bar! I was at a bar one night and offered my services to the bar owner - thinking that nothing would really come of it. But low and behold it did. So there was Stacey busting tables, running around like a blue arse fly and truly LOVING it! There's something about running around, chatting to people and being so busy you don't know your head from your arse. And I loved it. I loved it so much, I'm bartendering on a more frequent basis. It keeps me busy, keeps my busy brain distracted, allows me to have my 1000 words for the day (even more!) and there's something about that waiting to get tips and wondering how much you going to make. And for those who don't tip me, I'll just spit in your food. (Joking)

The other night I was bartendering and there was a large group of bikers there. I've come to realise that there is something about bikers. No, not the ones who ride those sissy bikes. I'm talking about the big men, with heavy biker 'armour' and layers of tattoo's driving Harleys. Observing from the bar, these men look hard, but upon talking to some of them, they all have a story. They all have been through shit, surpassed it and have had so many experiences, it's fascinating. And what's even more fascinating is that although they have an exterior of an angry bull, they're more like fuzzy bears inside - they are kind of sweet. There's this loyalty within the bikers group that you don't see anymore these days. We could all learn a bit from these men instead of hooting at them when they try and pass you on the road. They're proud of something, loyal to something and garsh'darnet they just know how to have fun. Fun being the double Captain Morgan and coke that they ordered a million times over. That or brandy and coke. I was truly gobsmacked at how much they can consume without falling over in an drunk stooper.

Personally I think bikers are bitchin'. I have this knew found respect for this group of people. I even asked my husband if we should maybe join a bikers gang. My mom was not impressed at that thought. But nevertheless, if I can't join 'em I'll just party with 'em.

The honest truth

I decided that before this pain in my heart became too over whelming or the tears burst out of my eyes, I'd write. I'm not writing for anyone, I'm doing this for me. But maybe through my sadness, some one else going through a hard time will feel that they are not alone. Normally I wouldn't share my life to everyone, nor make it known that I am in a place that isn't good, but maybe - just maybe - through revealing my inner soul I'd unwrap all the denial and bullshit that layers my body and my mind. Maybe I'd then see my truth and really start to heal it.

The honest truth, Stacey is not doing well. It's raining outside... it fits my mood. For the past few days I've been walking around my house feeling like a hermit, suffering from 'cabin fever', feeling that the only sort of purpose I have right now is to wash the dishes or make dinner. The only achievement I had for today is that I did one unimportant house hold chore. I used to be busy, I used to be successful. Having quit my job (although the miserable company failed anyway and I am still waiting for my salary from six months ago - thus I didn't really have a choice) I have been self employed since September. Or is that just a 'disguise' or mental optimism that I am trying to bullshit my brain to believe. In fact, I was self employed in the beginning (when jobs were coming in) and now I am just unemployed. Let's just call a spade a spade. Business is quite in the months of Dec, Jan and Feb and jobs are coming in as slow as when you have a bladder infection and drops of piss slowly release. Now I'm waiting. I check my emails everyday, and try do what I can - but I have lost hope and have reduced myself to napping during the day (well, the last 2 days). The thing is, I tried. I think I am the most ambitious, hard working person I know and since I resigned I have tried everything. I have made new partnerships, joined into new opportunities and yet still find myself workless and struggling. I have always wanted to be an entrepreneur and the universe finally gave it to me. But it's for the strong and right now I am as weak as anything... The tears have started... It's lonely and it's testing. With my bank balance as dry as the desert, I have no option but to go full time again. And yes, I have been applying. Applying like mad... but yet find myself waiting... waiting... waiting. I have no regrets, at least I tried. At least I took the challenging road, when everyone else follows like ants. But being a follower brings in stability and that's what I am seeking the most.

Not only do I seek stability, but I seek passion. I keep asking myself "what do you want to do with your life?", "what makes you happy?", "what brings you fulfillment and purpose?" I don't know. And it literally kills me. (... more tears) I have been going through this healing journey, trying to figure out my truth, trying to resolve hidden issues and trying to recitfy the wrong. But trying to heal is hard. Trying to find a mental silence is hard. I have tried my best to go on and conquer this journey. My house is covered in affirmations, which I subconsciously say but honestly don't feel or believe. I have gone for walks through the farm trying to find some answers. I have googled, and googled. I have tried different meditation. Yet I am still in this place of darkness. So, Stacey is not right in the mental area of her life.

So apart from being broke and mentally unhealed, my body is also going through illness. In short - and I don't want to go into entail - the gynecologist said that I have abnormal cells in my cervix and although it seems to be okay, I'll need to go in for regular check ups. A shock to my system, I tried to heal my brain and think positive, but last night was a reminder that it affects me. I feel tainted, I'm scared of dying and will never feel the same again.

I am just in a very bad place at the moment. I think I've hit my lowest of the low and instead of bullshitting myself again by saying "there's only up from here", I am going allow myself to enjoy a hot bath, a mental soak and good long cry.