When most people enter Survivor - they're fit, a nature-enthusiast and they have the appropriate qualities that make them the perfect survivor candidate. When considering the perfect candidate, I'm probably on the bottom of the list - rock bottom.
But it's these imperfect qualities that make me the perfect survivor! You see, survivor is actually not about how a boer can maak a vuur, or how someone can catch 10 fishes in one go, or how one wins all the challenges - it's about the cranky ones that sit in the corner, complain and become the hated ones in the group. Now, my intention is not to be the hated one - but I'll most certainly be the loud-mouthed, extroverted, lazy, fun-filled one, that gets on everyone's tits.
Yup - I'll make for great tv!
Minus nivea cream, cigarettes, food = Cranky bitch.
Remember now that not only do I have OCD when it comes to dry hands, but if I am hungry or craving a smoke - I get ratty. If I have to do any other exercise, besides walking to the fridge and back, I complain and start pretending that I am having an asma attack. (I did that in primary school when we we having a school competition against another school, and I was coming last) So why the hell would I want to put myself in this situation then? Put simply - I want to test myself. I want to see how far I can push myself.
Not only will there be no cigs, or nivea, or food, or my family/boyfriend for that matter - but I'll be faced with another problem!
I hate salad - or should I say rabbit food. Anthing that tastes of nothing, or that is healthy, makes me yak. Although I am a great lover of vegetables, I hate fruit. The only fruit I can manage is apples, banana's, and oranges - but it's not like there is a multitude of these fruits on the island. You're basically stuck with coconuts, weird-ass berries, and some other fruits I have never heard of. So, yes I am pretty much screwed in this area. I'm also not a great lover of fish - although Salmon is yummy. "Yes, I'll have one salmon with hollandaise sauce please, with a chocolate milkshake." That should be easy enough to order on an island that is miles away from anything, isn't it?
I also hate the sun. I am not one of the chickies who sit in the sun for hours, burning themselves. I'll lie in the sun for 5 minutes and start to feel claustrophobic. And on the odd occasion that I fall a sleep in the sun, I wake up in pain with the site of my fucken red legs. Then I peel. I don't tan - I fucken burn. But you know what, I also never ever ever ever ever get into a costume. I hate when fat people walk around in bikinis, with their fat rolls hanging everywhere. Now, I am not huge but I know that I can't wear a bikini. So I'll be the one in the corner, wearing a snow man's outfit (covered head to toe), sweating in the scorching sun.
Then there's bugs. Yuck! I have the paranoia of bugs flying in my ears or vagina, laying eggs. Best be sleeping in the trees then hey. Oh, but that reminds me that there are no beds there. Shit, I thought I would be staying a luxury hotel on survivor - damn. Then there's the issue of razor blades. My bodily hair grows like weeds. So I''ll be the 'red' one complaining about my hunger pains, cigs cravings, whilst waving my arms around, revealing my hairy armpits and exposing my pubic hair that has made its way out of my panties. Wow, that sounds damn attractive.
OK - so this all looks very promising... Yup, I am going to win this. I may not be great at the man-work nature stuff, but hey - I'll make for fab TV.
I'll apply in September.
PS: Those are pictures of me. Don't I look so survivor-like. If only I had a gun on survivor to kill the fish, instead of standing for hours trying to catch them with a spear. But actually, I won't be doing that, the men will. And I'll just lie back, sipping on dirty water (cocktail 'ala-poo), watching them slave away.
Yes, this will definately be interesting!
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