Sensitive

I am sensitive.

I've always been sensitive. Maybe it's from growing up with self (inflicted) issues; or the fact that I have low self esteem, or maybe it's middle-child syndrome. I don't know what the cause is - I am just sensitive. I take things to heart, I always assume the worst of what is said; I think what is said about me is always bad.

I continue to justify my life, my actions, my decisions. I even justify for Chris. It's as if (I feel) I have to get approval. That.. through a long story, I'll finally gain acceptance. As if, through excessive explanations you'll finally see my point of view - you'll realise my intention and agree with me.

Now this is purely my own thoughts - this is not a reflection on anyone else. People say to me that it's all in my head and that I take things too personally. So this is just how I feel.

I wish people would take me for who I am. Sometimes when the pain gets too much I sometimes wish I wasn't me. I wish my life wasn't hard. That people would look at me, and my life, and be proud. That they would accept it once off, with no long story given. I wish indirect comments weren't made. I wish that people would see the pure intentions behind my actions, behind my life. Although sensitive, I am strong. I can take a few 'beatings' before I eventually crack. But why do I need to crack? Why can't I just live my life without care. Without care of being scorned, remarked and lowered. But the thing is, I care for others, I want others to be in my life, I want them to be happy for me and support me. Not caring and giving a damn would mean, in my life, that I'd have closed doors and people wouldn't know what was going on. I'd be alone. I'd be alone and desensitized.

Lately I've had a lot of indirect comments, about many aspects of my life.

Dogs

I have 7 dogs. Although saving dogs from the shelter is a good thing - I have saved them and given them a good home - this is not how it is viewed. Indirect comments like: "They will hold your life back. They're expensive. Seven dogs is a bit much. Vet bills. Dog food costs."

Baby

I'd like to have a baby and quite soon. Yet there is some support, the support is a double edge sword. "Yes, that's great but remember a baby is hard, and it's very expensive." Do you not think that having 4 jobs as I do; having 4 chickens and 7 dogs is not hard work? As one of the most ambitious and hard working people I know, do you not think I think about finance constantly? It's as if people think I'm this naive, dependent person. Do you really know me?

Finance

Some people land with their asses in the butter; some people end up with rich partners and some people don't. I am tired of justifying the fact that I earn more than Chris. "You overwork yourself to compensate for Chris," is one of the many comments I get about finance. Do you not think that if I was alone that I'd work just as hard, and strive the same to get the same finances?

Sister

My sister is pregnant and engaged. She's engaged to a wonderful man who luckily earns a lot so they are very comfortable. He bought her the most beautiful ring, and am sure it came with a large price tag. The thing, Chris made me a wooden engagement ring. Chris doesn't earn much. There's a huge difference between us. Maybe it's me, but I feel the bar has been set extremely high by my sister and her soon-to-be-hubi, and Chris and I are far from them. Yes, we're so different that one cannot even compare, and maybe it's only me to think this but I feel everyone views them very highly and looks down on Chris and I. I often ask myself if people will be as happy for Chris and I when we fall pregnant? Or will I get those indirect comments? I think I definately have middle-child syndrome, because even sitting in her presence belittles me. This is in my head.

I know who I am and I know my good qualities. I am a carer, someone who would do anything for anyone, some one who works 7 days a week and still has time to work some more, but these indirect comments erase all of these. I think more about the bad comments then the great things I actually am. I need to stop doing this to myself - I am killing myself doing this. I am the fire and people continue to throw hot embers into the flames.

I don't know what I am writing. I am rambling on. I just get tired of everyone arching their eyebrows at me, or saying comments about this or that or to somehow compare me or diminish me in some way. I don't think they know it's intentional and I don't they are trying to hurt me, but hey - the knife still shows blood on it. It's easy for me to bleed, when I wear my heart on my sleeve. It's there for you all to see. And if you can see it, why don't you touch with caution? I should write 'fragile' on my back.

Maybe I should rip out my heart so I don't feel the disdain of your words or bare your comments on my shoulders so that at 25 I now walk like a hunchback? Chris says I should just focus on 'us' and not worry about others view and to not be sensitive. But, I need my family and friend's support, I need them to be with me as I travel in my life; I need their constructive advice.

I think at the end of it all, I must stop viewing myself through others eyes. Or believing that everyone is against me.