My parents got divorced when I very young. Too young to notice that, at that time, my life was falling apart. I never regret my parents getting divorced. In fact, I think it’s a blessing. I was blessed with a wonderful step father and a step mother, who brought my other two siblings into my life. My life would never have been the same without them. My father and step mother lived in Cape Town and my mother and step father lived in Johannesburg. From a young age until the age of 18, I never felt the brunt of the divorce. I never felt like I had to choose between both families. I lived with my mother and was shipped off by plane every school holiday to Cape Town. There were no decisions to be made, it just was how it was. When I finished school, there were no school holidays. I had to choose when I wanted to go to Cape Town to see my dad and family. But as one grows older, one starts to form ones own life. One gets boggled down by university, work, boyfriends, pets and life in general. These were all the factors that did not allow me time to fly to Cape Town. I did want to see my Cape Town family, all the time in fact, but things just simply got in the way. I did want to see them but at the same time I wanted to live my own life (Not that living your own life means you remove your family from your life completely). I don’t know how to explain it. The best way I can describe it, is that I wanted to stay home and do my own things instead of having to trek to Cape Town. Like I said, when you get older you have your own life. Not to say that your ‘new’ life doesn’t have to include your family. It surely does and I surely wanted my family in mine! I had to make decisions about when I had to go to see the Cape Town family and when I had to see the Johannesburg family. These decisions started to tear me up inside and this is when I started to feel the brunt of the divorce. I understand that as a parent, you want see your children all the time. My dad would continually ask me when I was coming down to Cape Town. It was almost like a question I didn’t want to hear, nor a question I wanted to answer. To be honest, I don’t like having to think about going to Cape Town or going to Durban (my boyfriend’s family) or going to Johannesburg. A – Because I would have to leave my boyfriend because sometimes he couldn’t come with me (as we are inseparable), B – Because I would have to leave my dogs. Those questions would be something I would brush off, block out and not think about. Sure, if I could take my boyfriend and dogs with me I’d go all the time but it’s not possible. And people don’t understand this. They merely think that I don’t care about them or I don’t want to see them. This is surely not the case. My sister used to say to me: “You don’t go to Cape Town. Shame poor dad. You don’t care” (or something along those lines). This brings me onto my next issue of guilt and regret. I continuously feel guilty that I don’t see my Cape Town family a lot. It kills me actually. I keep thinking that one day I’ll look back or when my father dies and I’ll think: I regret not seeing my father enough. I should have gone to Cape Town more often!
Then comes Easter, birthdays, milestones and Christmas … the many events that people love and get excited for. I hate Christmas (although I love the meaning of it). It is one of the events that I most dread and fear. I see those families with the big Christmas trees and a thousand and one presents surrounding it. Those families where the parents and children are all together and happy. The families that aren’t divorced. Looking back, I don’t think I’ve ever had one Christmas where my whole entire family has been together. I’d share Christmas with one family and spending Christmas with my other family would be in a mere phone call: “Merry Christmas”. The cards I’d send would always say: ‘Wish I could be there with you all on this special day”. Christmas was always about wishing. Wishing I could be with my whole family. Wishing that it would be like all the ‘happy’ families. Sometimes, we’d spend Christmas with one family, and then drive a few hours the next day to the other family. As there are 3 families between me and my boyfriend, one family would always be left out. Christmases became something that had to be planned, organized, thought out. “Okay, so this Christmas we are in Durban and then next Christmas we are going to Cape Town, and the following Christmas we’ll be in Johannesburg,” said Chris and I. I look at Christmas as a picture. A picture of me driving in the car with a big tree hanging out the back window. Christmas was always about being on the move. Never in one place … and never one place to decorate properly.
Having three families being apart also involved not being there for birthdays, special occasions and basically, not being there to see the ones I love grow up. To miss so much of your family’s life is heart breaking. I think mobile phones have replaced families, sad as it may sound. Simply put, I just wish my families where in one place, just a walk away. If you are one of my family members and you are reading this, please know that you may have been miles away but you were always close to my heart and never far from my thoughts…
I fight the normal ‘order’ of life. I fight the fact that as one grows older and has one’s own family and children, seeing one’s own parents becomes a few and far between thing. I don’t want to grow up and only see my parents and family once every three to four years. I don’t want our family relationships to end up being mere phone calls. I want to stay close to my family. I don’t want the days, months and years to separate us. But in life, is this really possible? Sadly, I think not. If I barely see my whole family now, what chance do I have when I have my own family to see my family? It looks pretty slim. I hope this is not the case though.
Is this life? Is family all about being apart from one another? Why is this my life? I am sure there are plenty of you out there in the same situation as I am. I feel your pain. Why is it that I feel that I am the only one in my family that feels the brunt? I am sure my family does, but I don’t know about it. Is it my fault that my parents divorced and moved thousands miles away from each other? Is it only me who has to travel to and from places? Why is that the road from you to your family is longer than the road from your family to you? It seems like I’m the only one who has to make the effort, as if it is no trouble for me and I don’t have my own life. Why does it have to be like this? Why does there have to be regrets? I have always made a promise to myself, and one that I have told my boyfriend to keep … If we get married, have children and then get divorced – we will not move out of the same zip code. I won’t allow my children to bear the same burden as I have. It is simply not fair.
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