I want to be free

5 June 2006

Today I thought about my life and the path I am on, leading to my future. The way I feel now and the perception I have of this path, brings tears to my eyes. The question I repeatedly ask myself is “Am I happy? Is this the right path for me?” I know the answer and it kills me inside to think it…

When I was a little girl I used to watch the movie awards and dream that someday I would be there on the stage accepting an award. My passion for acting grew even more when I would perform in school plays and win awards. As I grew older, I started to enjoy cooking, as food was always my favourite thing and I started to think about being a chef, because I thought it was an expressive art. As I matured I also began to become very interested in spiritual aspects of healing such as aromatherapy, reiki, massages and meditations. These were the things I loved, my heart was in them… they were my passions.

So here I am on the opposite side of what I wanted to do, studying a Bacholer of Arts in Journalism. I did and still do love to write and thought that I may as well do something related to writing. My choice to study this was not a certain one, it was one I thought was best at the time but I would say that it was a choice I had to make at the time, for the time.

I look back on my passions and it hurts so much that I am not doing something that I love but many things contributed to this choice. Reality was one of the biggest considerations to think about. Why is it that life and reality stop us from doing something that we love and want to do? In every profession there are positives and negatives. In the case of acting, it is a hard industry to crack and if you don’t break it, then you don’t make it. If you don’t make it then you don’t have a salary. That’s the trouble with reality and your passions. In reality you need to have a job in order to get a salary and thus have money in order to live, but what if you have a passion or a want to have a job that does not guarantee a salary? Do you have to choose between doing something that you love but having no money or doing something that is average and not your passion but having money? That’s the problem with reality and people these days… we are driven too much by materialistic things and money that we in fact forget our true selves and our passions. We prioritize money instead of ourselves. But in reality, how can this not affect us? It is known that about 90% of people don’t enjoy what they do. They wake up every morning but don’t actually want to get up. I do not want to be one of those people.

So here I am studying something that is not my passion, but hopefully will get me a salary. The pain I am feeling now is the pain of my neglected true self. So in order to answer to my above question, No I am not happy and I don’t feel that I am on the right path. It is as if I have a massive block in front of me, making me stop and think about my life. There are two paths in front of me. One leading to the university and the other leading to my passions.

The problems lies in that my parents are paying for my university and I know that they want the best for me and will do whatever it takes for me to be in university and get a degree. Understandable of course, and I love them for that. But I feel that I am a plant with a brick on top of me. I feel like I can’t grow, as if my growth is being hampered and weighed down by this brick. The brick has such weight and capability to hold me down But what happens to a plant that is hampered and covered for too long? It dies. That’s how I feel, like I am dieing… my heart is dieing. I just want the weight lifted off me. I just want to be free and to be able to do what I want to do, study where I want to study and study exactly what I want to study. I want to be free to work when and where I want to or start a business like I have wanted to for so long. I feel restricted, chained down to the ground and no way to escape.

I find it scary though, even when I write this, because when I say that I don’t want my parents to pay for university (I want to pay for my own course) in order for me to be free, it’s like cutting off my legs and not being able to run. Parents help you to get a step up in life, or get a degree so you can one day find a job, so by saying this, it is as if I am on my own with no money and no degree. A daunting thought! Maybe I don’t want this. In actual fact, I want to change what I am studying and hope that my parents will support me and help with the finances. I mean, people these days always change there minds or don’t enjoy what they are doing. So why is it that we only have one main choice and then that’s it? Yes I agree that that you can study something you love after getting a basic degree, but isn’t that then a waste of time studying you first degree???

2010 comment - *I stuck through my course. I had spoken to one of my parents who convinced me to stick through the course. Before my very last exam, I phoned him and said “Thank you for pushing me through this.” I have now have a degree and will never look back. As a journalist, I do love to write – but I also leave time for doing other things. I am currently studying a course in Reiki, and have my own business. Life is too short to have just one job… so get a salary but continue to pursue your passions and hobbies. Just because you don’t have a degree in entrepreneurship, it doesn’t mean you can’t start up a business. Let your secondary passions become your hobbies or a second, part time job.

PS: Thank you Rosie.