crazy day'zeez

I'm currently going through crazy day'zeez.

Everything is up in the air. It's unsettling.

I keep chasing the damn mice inside my skull. I swear, if my brain had legs - it would run away. Thank fuck for the skin that surrounds my skull.

Being over-analytical is a curse. May this gene not be passed onto my children. You end up analyzing everything so much that it takes away any sort of enjoyment or excitement. I swear, if I analyzed an apple hard enough, I'd turn it into a prune.

I'm all thoughts and emotions 24/7, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

I'm in a weird place at the moment ... can't seem to figure out if its a depressive phase or if I am just plain stressed. Everyday I feel like I am going to have a panic attack, or even worse, a heart attack. I can feel the blood continuously on a high note, bubbling.

I need to take a breather. Better yet, I need a holiday. A T.I.M.E O.U.T.

Stacey - start living day by day. Focus on the present and don't worry about the future.

I'm chasing crazy daisies...

... and if I don't stop my stressing, soon I'll be pushing them. (Now, that's an ugly thought)

The Cock Coward

I'm fuming.

I'm so fuck'en mad. I was fine this morning, happy and care-free for once actually.

Then the bomb hit! Kabooooooooooooommmmmmmm!

Something happened at work today - I received an email from someone, who received the email from someone else. It was NOT a good email - it made me look bad.

Nothing irritates me more than when someone does not speak to your face, tells you the truth, but instead beats around the bush and tells everyone else besides you. This is known as THE COCK COWARD.

Tell it to my face - I can take it.



Now, I understand that the universe will put you in a place, whether it be a relationship or a job, that will make you grow.

But I'm not feeling growth at the moment, I feel like all my work, all my groveling, all my sweat and tears as gone, it's just disappeared into thing air. Poof! Now to start from scratch again....

To think you are doing so well at a job,or whatever else, and that your work is being noticed, and then you get smacked down again and made to feel like shit.

Damn you Cock Coward!

Hock a Loogie

Okay so I was looking for pictures of phlegm to put on this post, but the sight of some of them almost made me cotch in my lap.

Beavis and Butthead will suffice.

Being sick for a while, although physically okay - weirdly enough, I am now at the point where I have an insurmountable amount of phlegm stored up.

DEFINITION OF PHLEGM: the viscus mucus secreted by the walls of the respiratory tract.

Sniff. Phlegm. Cough. Phlegm.

I can actually feel the phlegm at the back of my throat - hanging there like dead weight.

I can't even count how many times I've swallowed my own phlegm today. I wonder what a plate of phlegm looks like? What is the nutritional value of this mucus? It'll probably keep me full for days...

I can't seem to bring myself to hock a loogie though. You know when you sniff and bring the phlegm to the back of the throat and then spit it out.

I remember as a youngster playing a computer game called 'Hock a Loogie'. The picture is from the actual game. You basically are Beavis or Butthead and you stand at the top of the building spitting on people's heads. [Small things amuse small minds]

[Change of topic]

It's amazing how the blogs I write are so not feminine. I mean, talking about my period and phlegm does not paint a 'girly' picture. Yes, I am not one to cake my face with make up, or paint my toe nails every night - I fart in the presence of my boyfriend, I poo with the door open (I love it for some odd reason) and I barely have any time to plaster my face on or do my hair.

One day, when I'm 40 odd - I'll then be feminine. I'll have the money to splurge on nice clothes and expensive make up. But for now, the way I am will have to do just fine...

My parents must be so proud of their 'tom-boy'....

KNAB

Now, I need to be careful when writing this. I don't want a lawsuit on my ass.

KNAB = BANK (Sneaky way of hiding the topic of this blog, but it stands true as these places are usually backwards)

I went to a bank - no need to mention names - and I'm beyond irritated.

I had to cash a cheque but they were unable to verify the signature. So, no I didn't get the money that I so desperately needed. Being broke, I needed this money to get me through the rest of the month until pay day.

So now, I have to drive with fumes, as I have no petrol. Dinner tonight, is Harry and Sally's dog poo on the floor.



Mmmm.... doesn't that look delicious. Just add some urine and enjoy!

As for cigarettes, I'll have to roll up toilet paper and smoke that... Desperation calls for it. (I have done that before as a kid)

This always happens when you least need it. Arg! (Clubbering head against the wall)

Banks can be so useless sometimes, especially the cashiers who just stare at you with a blank face, not offering any form of solution.

Bank slogans, from now on, should read:

Today, tomorrow, fuck'en never
Not Making things happen
Not Inspired, nor motivated and definately not involved

To top it all off, I fell on my face on the stairs in the bank. Yes Stacey Rowan, fell on her face and is now entitled to a R20 000 loan from the bank, of which she does not have to pay back.

From now on, I'm buying me a piggy bank - as in the olden days. Yes, me and piggy will no longer have to deal with these knabs.

Today is the day

Today is the day...

Today is the day of the rest of your life.

There are two things in my life that are happening today. No need to divulge it now,you'll know soon enough. These two things that will define my life for the moment and dictate my path I shall follow.

These things, or should I say major decisions, have the power to change your life. Turn it up side down, change it for the better or the worst.

Whether your decisions are the right choices or the wrong choices, you'll only know after wards.

Today could be the day that makes my dreams come true.

Today is the day which may push me to take a risk.

Today is the day that I have been waiting for my whole life.

Today is the day....

Wow, what a day!

Chicken & BJ's

Now this is just a thought.

I was face painting at a child's birthday party at a farm yard venue this past weekend. I was surrounded by 'em chickens and 'em roosters.

Some had broken legs, and walked with a strange limp.
Others were running as if there were on a high-speed tredmill. (A funny sight actually)
Some were fighting, with their wings 'a'flappin and beaks a' swarking.

Now there was this one chicken in particular, that kept surrounding me. It was stalking me with its beady eyes. It did not realise that to me, it looked like a chicken breast on a plate. Shame, poor thing.

Chicken and mushroom sauce, damn delicious.

No, that's ugly - veggies all the way.

I still love the hoenders though. They hold a special place in my stomach .... I mean heart.

Anyway, I began watching it walk. It's head moves back and forth in a swift-like motion.

This reminded me of an action of giving a blow job. Shit I have a crazy mind - relating a chicken head to a BJ. But, you just wait - when you are at a farmyard, you'll find yourself waiting for the chicken to walk - waiting to see the BJ head movement.

It's quite fascinating actually.

"And that's it for your natural geographic programme on Discovery Channel."

Family Portrait

I kept listening to this song, by Pink, on the way home yesterday.

Some of the words speak true to me. It hit home.

"Mama please stop crying, I can stand the sound.
Your pain is painful and its tearing me down."

"I told dad you didn't mean those nasty things you said"

"This I come home to, this is my shelter"

"I don't want love to destroy me like it did my family
Can we work it out, can we be a family"

"Mommy I'll do anything"

"Daddy, make mama stop crying, coz I need you around
My mama she loves you, no matter what says is true
But remember I love you too"

"Don't want to go back to that place, but don't have a choice no way"

"Can we work it out can we be a family?
I'll do anything"

"In our family portrait, we look pretty happy.
Let's play pretend and act like it comes naturally."

"I don't want to split the holidays,
I don't want two addresses"

"In our family portrait we look pretty happy, we look pretty normal
Lets go back to that"



Whatever times or different situations this refers to, you don't need to know.

It is irrelevant.

I wish I had the perfect family portrait.

Wheat-grass

Anyone for a shot of freshly mowed lawn? Or a cup of grass the resembles the temperature and texture of freshly made sperm?

"I'll have one please!"

I just had a shot of wheat-grass at the vegetarian restaurant during lunch. And no, I am no virgin to this. On my 23rd birthday I wanted to do something out of the norm, something totally crazy. Wheat-grass it was! [This is rated crazy on the granny-scale of things to do.]

In order to get my nutrients up, I thought I give myself the 'delight' of experiencing this 'wonderful' monster snot once again.

Now, it keeps on repeating on me. Burp. Oh, there's the taste again. Burp. After taste!



Did you know that one tot of this stuff is equivalent to 1 kilogram of spinach or broccoli? Yes, it may taste like absolute shit, but hey ... it's health in a bowl.

With all this iron, whose the Popeye now?

Mr Bhudda

I finally caught up on my last class for my reiki course last night. I have completed my course and now am an Reiki Practitioner.

I usually like to buy small 'spiritual' things when I go to class, like a crystal or Antikarana poster. This time round, I needed something special.

He kept staring at me from across the room.

We kept locking eyes.

Out of all the wonderful things that could have caught my eye, he did. My, Mr Bhudda.

He's beautiful.

After purchasing him, I started to think of universal signs and the meaning of the purchase.

Now, Bhudda's have different meanings - the fatties mean abundance. The ones with closed eyes mean to look within yourself. The ones holding their hands in an 8-shape, mean infinity.

My Mr Bhudda has closed eyes and his hands open gently on his lap. He means the answers lie within (look within yourself for the answers.)

Now, I have always been the type of person to ask a million and ones questions to everyone else, looking for advise, looking for answers. I never really believed in my own wisdom before checking with everyone first.

I went on the reiki course to find answers, to find answers to myself and my life. I thought it would provide me with these answers. But what I have learnt is that I hold the wisdom, the key to my own life, my own existance.

He is symbolic and significant to me. He ended my course, my personal journey, with the answer. To look within myself.

He now sits in my lounge, watching me. Reminding me that I hold the key.

I now have my own Bhudda, something that I have wanted to so long.

My Mr Bhudda.

My red friend

Okay, now I normally would not put a picture up like this, but I couldn't resist. It's something you don't see every day. Shame the poor guy in the picture. Stupid doos. (Yes, he thinks he is cool.)

Now I normally wouldn't advertise on the web, in front of everyone, that I am on my period.

Yes, Stacey Rowan is bleeding from the inside. (OK, that's pushing it slightly)

But the occasion calls for it. I don't why it is but this month I have been so paranoid - stressing to no end that I was pregnant. I had no logical reason to be, maybe its just because my thoughts were spiraling out of control.

So there I was on Friday night in a dodgy dark toilet, above the pharmacy, urinating over my hand, trying to wetten the pregnancy text. Negative.

I woke up at 05h30 the next morning to do another test. (It's always most accurate first thing in the morning.) Negative.

And now, the final test - I passed. I came on.

[Chris, no babies for you this month.]

Wooooooooooooooooooooo, what a relief...

Dedicated to Haddock

This blog post is dedicated to Haddock, formally none as Joe Zachariah. Now I don't know him from a bar of soap and no, I have never met him.

Upon scrolling down my blog, I noticed he had a made a comment on one of my posts. Now, I only have two followers listed on my blog - although I am sure more people read it. No one seems to write comments though unfortunately.

[HINT] Post comments on my blog so that I know you have read them.

After reading his blog profile, I realised he lived all the way in Pune, India. It made my day. The fact a person, even if it just one person, from all the way across the sea, across the world in fact, has read my blog. Has read Stacey Rowan's blog.

Not only is it nice to know that I have reached others, but it feels even better to know that I have reached people on the other side of the world.

So, Haddock I thank you for this.

My goal of reaching people and sharing my stories, is on the road to completion.

Wow, this certainly feels amazing.

Neck spasm

My neck it outta wack. Ouch.

I didn't have my special pillow last night and now I have to bear the brunt of it. It's getting worse. I need a massage. Where art thy magic fingers?

I was focused at work this morning and managed to get a lot done. My head is above water now and I am no longer sinking. Although I have a pile of articles to write. Writers block begone!

Focused. Not focused. Focused. Not focused.

I'm back to my normal smoking amount. Damn you cigarettes! As my stress levels go up, so does the amount.

I have a show day for the flat this weekend. Thy shalt not be negative, nor worry if the house doesn't sell or if people have bad comments about it. I also have a giant job for a large corporate client this weekend for my business. I have hired 6 people for this job. That's the most I have ever hired for one job. Stacey Rowan- Mizz Employer. There's so much to prepare but funnily enough I am not worried.

"I am stress-free" - one affirmation I have to keep repeating to myself.

I found a great Chinese place that sells yummy food. So there I was with Chris eating Chinese and watching a thriller/horror movie. I love horror movies, for some arb reason.

'So that's your daily update from the Stacey Rowan Station, 95.6. Tune in later for another report."

B-R-E-A-K an EGG

This is not going to be a positive, happy-go-lucky blog post full of pink daises and butterflies.

This is negative, this is reality.

I have witnessed people on the brink of insanity. I have witnessed people over-dose on drugs. I have heard of people who tip over the edge of reality, and do things that would affect any normal person like walking in a busy road naked. This is scary but unfortunately this is a reality.

Push a potato too far, and what you get is mash, in fact humpty Dumpty. Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the king’s horses and all the kings men, couldn’t put Humpty together again. Is this true for all humans? If you crack, you are inevitable broken and cannot be fixed. There seems to be a thin line between sanity and insanity.

Make a person go through continual heart-wrenching and tough life lessons, and watch them crack. This life we live in is a harsh one. It is not for faint hearted, nor for the fragile, nor the weak.

Are we all eggs waiting to crack? Waiting for the world to scramble, or boil, or fry us?

Gosh, I sound cynical. I'm actually draining myself.

PS: This picture of Humpty Dumpty freaks me out.

PPS: Witnessing these people drop off the edge of reality, makes me realise how strong and positive I am.

N.O.W

The world as it is now...

The quitting smoking thing has seemed to come to a grinding, actually screeching, halt. I am back to my usual amount of deathsticks. Maybe Monday I will start again, or the next Monday. Things just have been overly stressful and I find the crave, on top of everything else that is going on in my life, is too much to handle. I'll quit when I live on an island, with a animal skin fanny-cover (wow, now that's a sight, and not a good one). I can't cope without my 'stress relievers.'

The house is in its finishing stages. I got some guy - "Rambo", as he's named, to come and hang up the door. He did a great job! Very 'well-hung'. We just have a few bits and bobs to do now. My folks picked up the large dining room table on the weekend, so the flat is getting more bare as the days go by. We are still living and sleeping in the lounge. We have some oki coming round tomorrow night to view the place, cross fingers.

I'm still overloaded at work but managed to get a lot done. I have to train my psychotic brain that I can only do what I can in a certain amount of hours. Leave work at work and don't bring it home where I unload it onto Chris. (Shame my poor babe, I need to make you my no.1 priority, instead of bitching about work, money or other problems.) Things will come right, they always do.

I have a massive job on for my business, for a big client, this weekend. I'm fuck'en anxious about it. I have to hire like 7 other people to come with me. Getting everything ready in a short amount time is hectically stressful. I hope that everything will come together though.

I'm scared I'm pregnant.

Even saying those words freaks me out. I don't know why I am so para. I've done nothing different this month. But it's on my mind constantly. I hope not. I pray not. Only a few days to go until my red friend comes, and boy will I welcome her with open arms.

I seem to be in a busy place in my mind at the moment. (As always)

Everything is up in the air. Maybe it's because I am in a transition phase.

So many worries, such a small brain.

Money is also on the issue-plate. At the moment I am stone broke. I am waiting 'patiently' for the money to come. Money is always an issue though.

I'm trying to be positive and say positive affirmations. I'm beginning to get into a negative-mind space, although 'secretly' optimistic. I know that sounds weird, but even when I'm very negative and I still see the end of the tunnel.

"I have abundance"
"I am positive"
"I attract good things into my life"
"Things will come right"
"I will do a good job - both in my business and in my work"

I found myself saying these things in my car on the way to work. It's actually quiet comforting when you think positive.

I look forward to going home tonight, to have gnocchi and this awesome sauce from woolies - chicken pecorino. Look forward to snuggling with my hubi, in the sanctuary I call home, and escape from this business I call my life.

"Honey, I'm home"

Never send a women to do a man's job

For me, the saying 'Never send a women to do a man's job' holds true. But the same can be said about 'never send a man to do a woman's job.'

I have been running around like a blue ass fly, trying to get things to fix up the flat. During my lunch break I got paint and glue sticks. I still need to fix the bathroom and the hand rails, they are looking shabby. With money being tight, I need to get a mass of shit, on a limited budget. After driving from shop to shop, I finally found these damn glue sticks. I then phoned Chris to tell him...

Stacey: Babe, I got the glue sticks for the bathroom

Babe: What do they look like?

Stacey: The ones that you heat up, finger width, long. You have the gun remember...

Babe: No, we need the silicon ones. We have the gun for that.

Stacey: No, you said glue sticks

Babe: No, i didn't

Stacey: When you say gun - are you talking about that metal thingy?

Babe: Yes

Stacey: But I thought you meant that plastic gun, you use for the glue. That metal thingy is not a gun.

Babe: No, you put the stick in there

Stacey: But, Silicon is a TUBE. A tube. It's got that pointy thing on it. Oh shit, now I've just wasted money. This is why you should've gone and bought it.

Babe: Don't blame me for this.

This is why you do NOT get a women to do a man's job. This is precisely why you shouldn't get a women to get stuff from the hardware store. Give me cooking or baking and I'll cook you under the table. Give me a hammer, nail, or cement and I'll end up gluing my head to a tree.

Do I look the Bob the fuck'en Builder to you?

Uninspired Transition

I woke up this morning with two words popping into my head immediately: 'Uninspired' and 'Unmotivated'. I lay on the couch, for 10 minutes thinking about these concepts and how my life seemed to be in a rut. This rut, in a sense, causing me to feel both.

It started last night - the overwhelming-ness of it all. The agent is coming around on Thursday to take pictures, so I'm trying to get everything sorted before then. But, the thing is - the more I look at the things that need to be done, the more I notice more things that need a fix up. I'm getting anxious about whether or not everything will be done in time, and if the place will actually sell.

Where's my anxiety pills?

I think what is happening in my life currently, is the fact that I'm getting overwhelmed in every aspect of my life. I'm almost snowed-under, on the verge of sinking. It's like I'm in water and the only thing sticking out is my nostrils. Scary. I just want to lie in bed, cover my head and run away from it all. but I can't.

Change is good but during the transition, you don't know if you are coming or going. It's like everything is up in the air. Work, moving houses, face painting jobs and money are all becoming a bit to much to handle. I need to adopt the following thinking: I am only one person. Take everything one small step at a time.

This flu also doesn't seem to be buggering off either.

This too shall pass.

I'm also craving cigarettes. It's making me edgy. (I even had a fight with chris about Almond ice cream - I mean for fuck sakes.)

This too shall pass.

As, like most humans who cannot not be tempted by sin, I have not gone Cold Turkey. I am realistic. I had 4 1/2 / 5 cigs yesterday - for the wholllleeeeeeeeee day and night ...... the whole 24 hours. This is damn good for me. Today I only brought 3 cigs to work. Every day - I'm hoping will get a bit easier - but I am still trying to quit.

This too shall pass.

Although, funnily enough - the day today seems to be getting better as it goes on. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I'll get there. It'll all work out.

If not, where's the cigs?

I'm quitting smoking!

Looking at this picture: Is any one hungry? Anyone care for a piece of fillet?

They should have this picture on the back of a cigarette box.

I, Stacey Rowan, am kicking this dirty habit in the butt - I Q.U.I.T smoking. This blog serves as a 'invisible' contract that I will no longer smoke death sticks anymore. Yes, health is an issue - but when you are young we think we are untouchable, that we will not end up tied to an air machine, clutching at the few straws of life. Wrong. Not only do these death sticks deplete your health but they deplete your money too.

If I estimate, I buy one box a day (yes, I share with my boyfriend but still.) One box is about R30.00. There are 7 days in a week, so that's R210. Times that buy 4 weeks and you get R840 per month. That's R840 I could spend on food, or getting my nails done or my hair cut. Shit, and there I always am wondering why I'm so stone broke.

This quitting is a challenge to see how much money I can save. Basically I will no longer smoke because I can no longer afford it. This dirty habit is burning a hole in my pocket... and a hole in my lungs.

I've been a loyal and dedicated smoker for about 10 years. Enough is enough.

I'm waiting for the cravings to surface, for the moods to explode, for the dragon to rear its ugly head. Lord help me. Yes, this will be a huge test, but it needs to be done. Only 21 days needed to break a habit - I'll need about a year. But, I am not going cold turkey. I need to be realistic. I have a safety cig box at home, just in case I need one. If the urge gets too much. I have reduced my limit, for now, to 2 cigs a day. That's good enough. Then hopefully, I will no longer need this crutch. I will be SS (like Alcoholic Anonymous) but Stopped Smoker.

I have implemented a few rules: No smoking in my car and No smoking in the house, only outside.

My boyfriend is also quitting. This also serves me well as I can't smoke if he doesn't - I don't want to have to kiss him with an ashtray mouth. He needs to support me, he needs to keep me focused.

I'm glad I have this blog. I will document my 21 days on here.

I actually look forward to having money at the end of the money, waking about feeling vitality, having a fresh breath, no longer stinking like a chimney and just been able to run up a staircase with my throat not burning.

yup, this is a good thing. My parents will be pleased....

Kent Silver, you have been my friend for some time now, but I can no longer hold your hand whilst you gently suffocate me. I will no longer be able to buy you, or say hello at the petrol station. I will no longer be able to caress you within my lips, breathing in your deathly aromas. I will also have to say goodbye to your family members to - the ashtray, the lighter, the matches. You guys will easily be able to go and find some other one to possess, but I can no longer be your friend.

The journey starts now - wish me luck!